Hello all!
Hope you all got out to vote today---a very important election!
I had my 24 week appt tonight and all is still going well, which is good to know!
My BP was 106/72....weight (im not shy) is 140! I have to admit, i have never seen 140 in my life but i am totally fine with it at this present time...This puts me at a weight gain of 14 lbs (started at 126). I am right on target :) Also! My belly grew 5 cm since my last appt a month ago---we are up to 25 cm, which is muy fabuloso!!!! I just can't believe how big my belly is getting and just how much MORE it needs to grow....still steering clear of the stretch marks, but have a feeling they will be making their mark (no pun intended) at some point!!!
The little guy has been moving around A LOT! His heartbeat was swishing away tonight--music to our ears!! He seems to love when i eat---we already have a lot in common---love food, haha!!
Unfortunately, I have been on a HUGE chocolate kick...trying to stear clear, but hell, Halloween was just last week!!! The doc is really happy with my weight, but warns that I still need to be careful of gestational diabetes (I think i am at a higher risk since I have PCOS). Although I was already tested once, I get tested again at my next appt at 28 weeks....keep your fingers crossed we are in the clear!!!! Until then, I promised little Brayden I would watch my chocolate intake (sniff--sniff).
I made sure to mention to Dr. Dombo tonight that we will be flying this THursday to go to California for my sisters wedding. Thank God the cut-off for flying isn't until 36 weeks! Cannot wait to see my sister, Danielle get married this weekend to the love of her life!!! So happy for both her and Dan (aka MFDC).
As for other things going on in my life, it has still been hard missing my dad. I know it is going to take time for all of us. It's almost been 6 weeks and I still find it hard to believe that he is gone...I am dreaming about him constantly. At times, I fall apart to Jason. I think about today, Election day...He wanted so badly to "walk in and vote." It was another one of his short-term goals he set for himself. I just feel bad that he was not able to do that...anyway, I know this kind of stuff takes time, I just have to let it take its course...I just feel lucky knowing that my dad is watching down on us and our little one to make it through the next 15 weeks or so!
AHhhh...15 weeks?? so much to do!!! We are going with the chocolate brown and blue theme in the nursery and have already registered at babies r us...Jason and i have looked at one crib set and are going to check out another store next week...I have been reading up on ratings of cribs and such...there is just SOO SOO SOO much to think about and BUY!!! I know i am being TOTALLY random but i have about 5,000,000 things on my mind right now!!!
ok...off to do more packing for Cali!
Stay tuned!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Dear Daddy...a farewell
Dear Daddy...
In writing my dad's eulogy, there was so much to write, yet i kept losing my focus, this is everything I came up with in my mixed up brain the night before the viewing. There was just so much more to say, but I guess there is always more to say...
Dad's Eulogy
By: Cindy Pedersen
9.27.08
Where to begin? Dad was not the cuddly dad that I once wished him to be. But there comes a time when you have to just accept people for who they are. The months following his diagnosis, Dad really became in touch with his emotions, he really let us all in in a way that he never had before. I am thankful that we were able to see that side of him. He was always a bit of a tough guy, but I knew deep inside there was something more. During a conversation in August he said to me, " I love you and I have always loved you, I want you to know that." Those words were so genuinely put that it made a lasting impression on my heart knowing that this "tough guy" was really opening up to me.
Some of his famous quotes I remember…As a kid I always remember him saying, "Ya done good" when praising for a job well done…During our birthdays, the question was always, "So, how does it feel to be…?" You could always count him asking you the SAME question year after year.
I was always the emotional child. I would cry at the drop of a hat, not much has changed. When going to see Beauty & the Beast in the movie theater, I cried when the beast died. Dad was sitting next to me and took my hand and told me, "It's going to be ok." I keep trying to tell myself that now, that we are going to be ok. I know Dad is and always will be watching over us. Every phone call I had with him in the past 2 months involved, "How's the baby? How's mama? I am going to try and make it to February, but if I don't, know that I will be watching over that baby." No one knew for sure if dad would make it to February, but I am confident that everything will be ok with dad as our guardian angel.
Dad taught me many things starting from age 2 ½ years old when I learned to shoot a gun, with assistance of course. I learned to ski, fish, play mini golf, which to this day I have fierce battles with my husband. But of all the things dad has taught me, the most valuable is to take care of your family. When sitting down with all of us after he found out he was sick, he emphasized how important it was to him that we all stick together as a family. I want all of the family to look around today and make a promise to themselves that we will all stick together as a family.
I spent most of dad's last week with him. It meant so much to be there. He was surrounded by his wife, mother, children and our significant others and his grandchildren. Last Wednesday was when dad requested his kids and ma to come up. I was so afraid we wouldn't get there in time. He was able to say his goodbyes, which was a very emotional time for all of us. Vikki told him that he took care of everything for us and that we are going to be ok, that it was time for him to let go. But he couldn't. He went in his own time. I think I speak for my whole family when I say that we are saddened to see him go, but thankful that he is no longer suffering in pain. We made a promise to dad; we are sticking together as a family no matter what.
I love you daddy. You will be missed. <3
In writing my dad's eulogy, there was so much to write, yet i kept losing my focus, this is everything I came up with in my mixed up brain the night before the viewing. There was just so much more to say, but I guess there is always more to say...
Dad's Eulogy
By: Cindy Pedersen
9.27.08
Where to begin? Dad was not the cuddly dad that I once wished him to be. But there comes a time when you have to just accept people for who they are. The months following his diagnosis, Dad really became in touch with his emotions, he really let us all in in a way that he never had before. I am thankful that we were able to see that side of him. He was always a bit of a tough guy, but I knew deep inside there was something more. During a conversation in August he said to me, " I love you and I have always loved you, I want you to know that." Those words were so genuinely put that it made a lasting impression on my heart knowing that this "tough guy" was really opening up to me.
Some of his famous quotes I remember…As a kid I always remember him saying, "Ya done good" when praising for a job well done…During our birthdays, the question was always, "So, how does it feel to be…?" You could always count him asking you the SAME question year after year.
I was always the emotional child. I would cry at the drop of a hat, not much has changed. When going to see Beauty & the Beast in the movie theater, I cried when the beast died. Dad was sitting next to me and took my hand and told me, "It's going to be ok." I keep trying to tell myself that now, that we are going to be ok. I know Dad is and always will be watching over us. Every phone call I had with him in the past 2 months involved, "How's the baby? How's mama? I am going to try and make it to February, but if I don't, know that I will be watching over that baby." No one knew for sure if dad would make it to February, but I am confident that everything will be ok with dad as our guardian angel.
Dad taught me many things starting from age 2 ½ years old when I learned to shoot a gun, with assistance of course. I learned to ski, fish, play mini golf, which to this day I have fierce battles with my husband. But of all the things dad has taught me, the most valuable is to take care of your family. When sitting down with all of us after he found out he was sick, he emphasized how important it was to him that we all stick together as a family. I want all of the family to look around today and make a promise to themselves that we will all stick together as a family.
I spent most of dad's last week with him. It meant so much to be there. He was surrounded by his wife, mother, children and our significant others and his grandchildren. Last Wednesday was when dad requested his kids and ma to come up. I was so afraid we wouldn't get there in time. He was able to say his goodbyes, which was a very emotional time for all of us. Vikki told him that he took care of everything for us and that we are going to be ok, that it was time for him to let go. But he couldn't. He went in his own time. I think I speak for my whole family when I say that we are saddened to see him go, but thankful that he is no longer suffering in pain. We made a promise to dad; we are sticking together as a family no matter what.
I love you daddy. You will be missed. <3
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Bittersweet moments
Good news and bad news....
The good news is all is going well with the pregnancy for the most part! I am 14 weeks +2 days and really starting to pop! Went for my appt the other day and found out i actually LOST 5 lbs---funny, i thought i gained it! Dr. Cortese said not to worry, have plenty of months to gain the weight! yay! The heartbeat was very strong, heard it on the Doppler. Will be getting an ultrasound at 20 weeks--cannot wait--hoping baby will cooperate so we can find out the sex! I predict boy, Jason says girl! I have been having some breathing problems with my asthma, been to the allergist and he told me I wasn't breathing at full capacity (that explains why i run out of breath from the car to the house!). I am at 80% and should be at 90-100%---does he mean my pulse ox??? So despite my "i am not taking ANY drugs during this pregnancy thing"--well that went out the window, on Pulmicort at night, dammit! But like the doc says, if I am not breathing, baby is not breathing...other than that, all day nausea stopped around 8 1/2 weeks--but i still bring up a meal every once in awhile---the gagging takes over and there is no stopping it! yuk! I am still a little tired--when is that energy supposed to kick in??
On another note, the bad note...my dad was just recently diagnosed with Lung cancer. The prognosis is not good, at first they were giving him 6mo-1 year with treatment and now in a month's time, he has gone downhill. We reconciled last month after not speaking for a year and I am so thankful for that. My family and I are really devastated over this news. He could have weeks to maybe months left and it is just a lot to take in. My Nana is devastated, my dad is her only son and she feels that she is just living too long. I am just asking for prayers from all of you!
I was up to visit with him yesterday and also got to spend some quality time with my sisters which was great. When sitting with my dad, he held my hand and said, "Take really good care of that baby....I love you, I have always loved you, I just want you to know that." It was all I needed to hear, although we had some differences, I never stopped loving him either. My dad was never one to talk about emotions or even show emotion, now at this stage in his life, he is very emotional and telling us all he wants us to know, which I am so thankful for. I am also thankful he had so many kids so we can all be there for one another through this time. My dad's birthday is Sept 18th--really hoping he can make his birthday so we can all spend that quality time with him. He said he is really going to try.
Just asking for prayers for our family! Cancer is such a shitty disease, as many of you know who have lost close family member and friends...why is it taking so long to find a cure?
The good news is all is going well with the pregnancy for the most part! I am 14 weeks +2 days and really starting to pop! Went for my appt the other day and found out i actually LOST 5 lbs---funny, i thought i gained it! Dr. Cortese said not to worry, have plenty of months to gain the weight! yay! The heartbeat was very strong, heard it on the Doppler. Will be getting an ultrasound at 20 weeks--cannot wait--hoping baby will cooperate so we can find out the sex! I predict boy, Jason says girl! I have been having some breathing problems with my asthma, been to the allergist and he told me I wasn't breathing at full capacity (that explains why i run out of breath from the car to the house!). I am at 80% and should be at 90-100%---does he mean my pulse ox??? So despite my "i am not taking ANY drugs during this pregnancy thing"--well that went out the window, on Pulmicort at night, dammit! But like the doc says, if I am not breathing, baby is not breathing...other than that, all day nausea stopped around 8 1/2 weeks--but i still bring up a meal every once in awhile---the gagging takes over and there is no stopping it! yuk! I am still a little tired--when is that energy supposed to kick in??
On another note, the bad note...my dad was just recently diagnosed with Lung cancer. The prognosis is not good, at first they were giving him 6mo-1 year with treatment and now in a month's time, he has gone downhill. We reconciled last month after not speaking for a year and I am so thankful for that. My family and I are really devastated over this news. He could have weeks to maybe months left and it is just a lot to take in. My Nana is devastated, my dad is her only son and she feels that she is just living too long. I am just asking for prayers from all of you!
I was up to visit with him yesterday and also got to spend some quality time with my sisters which was great. When sitting with my dad, he held my hand and said, "Take really good care of that baby....I love you, I have always loved you, I just want you to know that." It was all I needed to hear, although we had some differences, I never stopped loving him either. My dad was never one to talk about emotions or even show emotion, now at this stage in his life, he is very emotional and telling us all he wants us to know, which I am so thankful for. I am also thankful he had so many kids so we can all be there for one another through this time. My dad's birthday is Sept 18th--really hoping he can make his birthday so we can all spend that quality time with him. He said he is really going to try.
Just asking for prayers for our family! Cancer is such a shitty disease, as many of you know who have lost close family member and friends...why is it taking so long to find a cure?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
GUESS WHAT??
You got it! I am pregnant!!!! I had to wait to break the news to all of you since I didn't want my family finding out from a blog! So....things are going really well and I felt it was time to really put it out there. Although i am not yet out of the 1st trimester, I feel really positive for the way things have been going....
I will be 7 weeks on Monday, July 7th!!! So from the calculation that I did online, it looks like my due date is on or around February 22, 2009...but will find out at my appointment on Monday!!! Jason and I have had a whirlwind of a month! 4 days after we believe we conceived (think it was June 1st to all those who want to know, haha!), I was already having signs....and then that weekend we went to the outlets with my mother-in-law and I had a bout of nausea and almost got sick at the table...I was like, "I have GOT to be pregnant, this is just not normal." But then again...it was hot that weekend....
I went for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels on June 9th...my levels were 28 which they told me was really good to hold a baby, but still was too early to let them know whether I was pregnant....the crazy waiting game begins!!! However, I continued to have signs; peeing all the time, nausea, constantly hungry, this constant pool of saliva in my mouth and of course the dreaded boob hurt--which has never gone away! So...we remained positive and I took a pregnancy test which was negative, but I had a feeling that it was too soon for it to pick up the pregnancy hormone....Then on Friday the 13th---we had a faded line!!! I took another one on Saturday and it was still faded, but looked pretty positive to me!!! My sister Danielle INSISTED we get a digital test.We took this test on Father's Day and it read "PREGNANT." It was Jason's first "almost" Father's Day, which brought a lot of joy in more than one way. At that moment, it just didn't seem real. Even though Jason and I thought I was, until you get that definitive answer...its just an amazing feeling to know it all worked!!! Since before even finding out, I have been eating much better getting all those fruits and veggies and taking my vitamins religiously!!
I got a blood test the next day to confirm and the results were of course positive! They informed me that they wanted me to come in for bloodwork every 3-4 days to monitor my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) to make sure all is going well :) So, this meant that we needed to find a Labcorp out in Arizona to get bloodwork! It all worked out--my results while we were away went from 285 (4 wks) to 2,024 and then doubled to 5, 138 three days later (this was in the 5th week)...The nurses were really happy and told me I had graduated from bloodwork and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.
We went in for the ultrasound this past Monday at 6 weeks exactly. It was amazing to say the least. We saw the little sac and actually saw the flutter!!! It brought tears to my eyes! We tried to hear the heartbeat but it was too early to hear anything...Just to see the little one flutter, made me feel so much better! It all became more real for Jason and I that we are going to be parents!!! We cannot wait to actually hear that heartbeat on Monday night!!! :)
So....I have to admit, I am still pretty worried for everything to go alright, but I know I have to remain positive. It's just that everything seems like its going so right at the moment, I just hope nothing happens to destroy that. The doctor sounded really positive though and said its great to even see the flutter at 6 weeks and the fact that my bloodwork is good--they were happy AND SO ARE WE!
Yesterday, the 4th of July, we told part of our family! Jason and I couldn't wait to tell everyone but wanted to make sure things were going well before we made that step.We presented my mom & stepdad, his mom, and my Nana with a present...inside we had onsies that read things like, "Nana's little ray of sunshine" and "I love Grandmom." We also had framed a picture of the sonogram and wrote on it, "Hi Grandmom, See you February 2009, Love Baby Pedersen." We figured, with all of the details...they would get the hint. My sister, Connie, who has known since the beginning videotaped it, what a wonderful keepsake! My mother-in-law barely opened it up and got up, and hugged and kissed us...My mom and Nana had tears of happiness in their eyes. It was a wonderful moment :)
So just hope and pray for us that everything goes well. I will be updating the blog more often now! Sorry it took so long, but hey, didn't want to write anything too soon.
Oh and one more thing---there is only 1 in there! Just in case you were wondering, haha! Will update soon and thank you all for your good wishes and BABY dust! Thank you Crystal! Considering the day of my friend, Spina's engagement party was when I was rubbing bellies with my very pregnant friend Crystal, which just happens to be the day I got pregnant--the baby dust worked! YAYYYY :)
Oh and one more thing...I called my dad today, we haven't spoke in over a year. I felt I would be the bigger person and make the big step...I am so glad I did. The conversation went really well, we both know it is going to take some time, but are willing to start fresh. I want him to have that opportunity to be involved in Lil Pede's life! He is happy that he will be a Grandpop again! I'm telling you, I really believe things happen for a reason. It was a really good weekend overall. I couldn't be happier in this moment!
I will be 7 weeks on Monday, July 7th!!! So from the calculation that I did online, it looks like my due date is on or around February 22, 2009...but will find out at my appointment on Monday!!! Jason and I have had a whirlwind of a month! 4 days after we believe we conceived (think it was June 1st to all those who want to know, haha!), I was already having signs....and then that weekend we went to the outlets with my mother-in-law and I had a bout of nausea and almost got sick at the table...I was like, "I have GOT to be pregnant, this is just not normal." But then again...it was hot that weekend....
I went for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels on June 9th...my levels were 28 which they told me was really good to hold a baby, but still was too early to let them know whether I was pregnant....the crazy waiting game begins!!! However, I continued to have signs; peeing all the time, nausea, constantly hungry, this constant pool of saliva in my mouth and of course the dreaded boob hurt--which has never gone away! So...we remained positive and I took a pregnancy test which was negative, but I had a feeling that it was too soon for it to pick up the pregnancy hormone....Then on Friday the 13th---we had a faded line!!! I took another one on Saturday and it was still faded, but looked pretty positive to me!!! My sister Danielle INSISTED we get a digital test.We took this test on Father's Day and it read "PREGNANT." It was Jason's first "almost" Father's Day, which brought a lot of joy in more than one way. At that moment, it just didn't seem real. Even though Jason and I thought I was, until you get that definitive answer...its just an amazing feeling to know it all worked!!! Since before even finding out, I have been eating much better getting all those fruits and veggies and taking my vitamins religiously!!
I got a blood test the next day to confirm and the results were of course positive! They informed me that they wanted me to come in for bloodwork every 3-4 days to monitor my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) to make sure all is going well :) So, this meant that we needed to find a Labcorp out in Arizona to get bloodwork! It all worked out--my results while we were away went from 285 (4 wks) to 2,024 and then doubled to 5, 138 three days later (this was in the 5th week)...The nurses were really happy and told me I had graduated from bloodwork and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.
We went in for the ultrasound this past Monday at 6 weeks exactly. It was amazing to say the least. We saw the little sac and actually saw the flutter!!! It brought tears to my eyes! We tried to hear the heartbeat but it was too early to hear anything...Just to see the little one flutter, made me feel so much better! It all became more real for Jason and I that we are going to be parents!!! We cannot wait to actually hear that heartbeat on Monday night!!! :)
So....I have to admit, I am still pretty worried for everything to go alright, but I know I have to remain positive. It's just that everything seems like its going so right at the moment, I just hope nothing happens to destroy that. The doctor sounded really positive though and said its great to even see the flutter at 6 weeks and the fact that my bloodwork is good--they were happy AND SO ARE WE!
Yesterday, the 4th of July, we told part of our family! Jason and I couldn't wait to tell everyone but wanted to make sure things were going well before we made that step.We presented my mom & stepdad, his mom, and my Nana with a present...inside we had onsies that read things like, "Nana's little ray of sunshine" and "I love Grandmom." We also had framed a picture of the sonogram and wrote on it, "Hi Grandmom, See you February 2009, Love Baby Pedersen." We figured, with all of the details...they would get the hint. My sister, Connie, who has known since the beginning videotaped it, what a wonderful keepsake! My mother-in-law barely opened it up and got up, and hugged and kissed us...My mom and Nana had tears of happiness in their eyes. It was a wonderful moment :)
So just hope and pray for us that everything goes well. I will be updating the blog more often now! Sorry it took so long, but hey, didn't want to write anything too soon.
Oh and one more thing---there is only 1 in there! Just in case you were wondering, haha! Will update soon and thank you all for your good wishes and BABY dust! Thank you Crystal! Considering the day of my friend, Spina's engagement party was when I was rubbing bellies with my very pregnant friend Crystal, which just happens to be the day I got pregnant--the baby dust worked! YAYYYY :)
Oh and one more thing...I called my dad today, we haven't spoke in over a year. I felt I would be the bigger person and make the big step...I am so glad I did. The conversation went really well, we both know it is going to take some time, but are willing to start fresh. I want him to have that opportunity to be involved in Lil Pede's life! He is happy that he will be a Grandpop again! I'm telling you, I really believe things happen for a reason. It was a really good weekend overall. I couldn't be happier in this moment!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Good news!
OK, so I don't want to get myself too psyched, but we got really good news today from the ultrasound. The doctor sounded really positive that things could truly happen this month! Last month my egg follicles only got as big as 14 mm with the 50 mg of Clomid...this month, on the first ultrasound---18mm with the 100 mg of Clmoid!!! They really like them to be around 20mm, which he estimated I may be ovulating on SUNDAY---guess what WE will be doing this weekend? haha! So now, we have to continue with the every other day routine (hehe) and I go in for bloodwork on June 9th to check my progesterone levels! Please pray for us!
I just feel a lot better about hearing this news. We have already said that if it doesn't happen next month then we will choose to go through with an insemiation, which means I would still take the Clomid, they would have to order me a shot to take and then inseminate me...think that's how it goes, have to do a little more research. But I really feel good about this month--especially since the doc was so impressed :) Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that my insurance covers these procedures?
On another note, J and I have started playing tennis--it's a bit of a workout which is good for me and my situation---haven't played since i was like, 12, so you can imagine how good I am at swinging the racket and hitting the ball! But it is a nice stress reliever for the both of us going through this fertility issue :)
Thank you all who have been so supportive through all this, it is really nice to see how many of you truly care about us :) I am really trying to keep my cool, still break down every once in awhile, but as some of you know who have or are going through this, it is frustrating...And as much as i want to just relax, that is really a hard thing to do....I am just trying to have faith and hope that we will soon be parents!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us---thanks bunches!
I just feel a lot better about hearing this news. We have already said that if it doesn't happen next month then we will choose to go through with an insemiation, which means I would still take the Clomid, they would have to order me a shot to take and then inseminate me...think that's how it goes, have to do a little more research. But I really feel good about this month--especially since the doc was so impressed :) Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that my insurance covers these procedures?
On another note, J and I have started playing tennis--it's a bit of a workout which is good for me and my situation---haven't played since i was like, 12, so you can imagine how good I am at swinging the racket and hitting the ball! But it is a nice stress reliever for the both of us going through this fertility issue :)
Thank you all who have been so supportive through all this, it is really nice to see how many of you truly care about us :) I am really trying to keep my cool, still break down every once in awhile, but as some of you know who have or are going through this, it is frustrating...And as much as i want to just relax, that is really a hard thing to do....I am just trying to have faith and hope that we will soon be parents!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us---thanks bunches!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Getting there...
An update...So today we went to the doc for the second ultrasound after taking the Clomid 50mg. On Tuesday the largest egg follicle was 9mm and now I have one that is at 14mm....The doc does not think that we will get pregnant this month, bummer! But we can continue to have "relations" as they like to call it, (haha) starting every other day next week---in hopes that there will finally be a mature egg that would like to get fertilized from a happy little swimmer---ahhh down to such a science! The doctor said that we will increase the Clomid next month, since my ovaries didn't respond well to 50mg. I think they will increase it one more time after the first increase and then we start talking insemination (IUI)....but HOPEFULLY we don't have to get to that point...Did i MENTION how thankful I am that my insurance covers all of this---AND for IVF if God forbid, we get that far...I pay a lot for my PPO--but dammit, its worth it :)
I have had many great suggestions and comments on my last blog (thank you to all who wrote in, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts). I think if it doesn't happen in the next month or so, we are just going to have to take a break and see if nature can takes its course without all the pressure. I know the body does some crazy things when under stress...My friend Heather says, we should just enjoy the baby dancing---great advice!
As for the exercise, I have walked 4 days this week (2 miles each time) and J and I plan to continue to do so when i get home from work each day. I have been watching what I eat a little more and have started taking the extra folic acid along side my prenatal pill. I know it is going to take work, but I am willing to do this in order to become a mother.
I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure about putting all of our business out there, but then I realized (from all the private messages and comments I received) that it can also help others---awareness is key! Sometimes there are people going through the same thing as I found out. Now I know I am doing the right thing. We are in this together.
Thanks again for reading and I hope the next blog update will be a SUPER positive one! :)
I have had many great suggestions and comments on my last blog (thank you to all who wrote in, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts). I think if it doesn't happen in the next month or so, we are just going to have to take a break and see if nature can takes its course without all the pressure. I know the body does some crazy things when under stress...My friend Heather says, we should just enjoy the baby dancing---great advice!
As for the exercise, I have walked 4 days this week (2 miles each time) and J and I plan to continue to do so when i get home from work each day. I have been watching what I eat a little more and have started taking the extra folic acid along side my prenatal pill. I know it is going to take work, but I am willing to do this in order to become a mother.
I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure about putting all of our business out there, but then I realized (from all the private messages and comments I received) that it can also help others---awareness is key! Sometimes there are people going through the same thing as I found out. Now I know I am doing the right thing. We are in this together.
Thanks again for reading and I hope the next blog update will be a SUPER positive one! :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Trying to stay positive
Alright, so Jason and I went to the doc tonight for my ultrasound after taking the Clomid for 5 days (days 3-7 of my cycle). Maybe I shouldn't have gotten myself all psyched up like i did...The doctor found that my follicles are not as big as they would have liked them to be at this stage in the game(day 12 of the cycle). So.....i have to go in for another ultrasound on Saturday morning (yes, a doctors office that has SATURDAY appointments!) to see if they have gotten any bigger. He says they are like at 9 (cm? does that sound right?) and they need to be at like 14-20. So, needless to say i was pretty disappointed. When the doc and tech left the room, I fell apart. Jason was of course being encouraging hubby that he is saying all the right things, but it is hard for me to stay positive when i want a baby this bad. The doctor said that if this month it doesn't happen, they will have to increase the Clomid (took 50 mg) and since it tends to take me 60 days to get a period, they will give me Provera, do more blood testing and blah blah blah and then start the cycle of Clomid all over again when i begin my next cycle (i apologize for the run on sentence!) I am now realizing that it is going to be harder than I anticipated, thinking, oh well, i just take this little fertility drug and then boom, im pregnant---but then reality strikes. OK, I know i am being hard on myself and i have to stop, it's just sad for me. I know we have only been trying to get pregnant since January but now its just getting frustrating. I know they also say, when you aren't trying---that's when it happens! Well, how the hell do you pretend NOT to try?? So all who are reading this, please pray for large follicles on Saturday so we can get pregnant soon :) Looking forward to being a mommy---I feel like one already to my students, just look forward to having a child of our own! I see the twinkle in Jason's eyes when he sees a little one and I just can't wait to give him a family.
Oh and by the way, I started walking with my awesome neighbor, walked 2 miles last night and plan to do it again tomorrow. I am also eating a little better! Excited for the March for Babies walk on Sunday---5 miles, gotta get these ovaries in shape! ha! :) Just a bunch of randomness....
Does anyone have any success stories of people they know of who have been on Clomid? Please share!!! :) Thanks for reading!
Oh and by the way, I started walking with my awesome neighbor, walked 2 miles last night and plan to do it again tomorrow. I am also eating a little better! Excited for the March for Babies walk on Sunday---5 miles, gotta get these ovaries in shape! ha! :) Just a bunch of randomness....
Does anyone have any success stories of people they know of who have been on Clomid? Please share!!! :) Thanks for reading!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Update
Alright...so the update on the baby situation. Well, after 63 days of waiting for the big P, i finally got it! I was getting kinda irritated with taking pregnancy tests and getting negative results, but I am glad i can start a new month with hopefully BETTER results! I started taking the Clomid today (supposed to take it days 3-7 of my cycle). I have to make an appt with the doc for an ultrasound on day 12 to check out the follicles. I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to take the Clomid because it can cause multiple births. Jason and I are cool with twins---but triplets might be a bit difficult. I have back issues so I don't even think my body could hold triplets---I guess we will see what happens and let nature take her course. No matter what, we will be happy with what God gives us!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Positive News :)
Well, today Jason & I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out whether I truly do have a diagnosis of PCOS. The doc sat down with us for a consultation to find out more about our medical histories and to explain (with diagrams) about fertility. I felt like i was in class again, which was fine in this instance.
I went in for the ultrasound and I was actually kind of excited, i guess this is because i have been so worried and this was going to let me know if i have the cysts on my ovaries or not. I hated not knowing what was going on in there. We found out that my right ovary has about 14-16 cysts (he was just estimating) and my left is fine. Everything else in my uterus is fine, yay! I have to start eating better and exercising to help get rid of those cysts to increase my chances of getting pregnant.
We went back in to talk to him after the ultrasound and he informed us that things are promising, especially with the one ovary being better than the other. I am going to get a host of prenatal testing done at Labcorp tomorrow along with more testing that he is ordering. I am already on day 47 of my cycle which is craziness but i average 50-70 days anyway. He gave me a script for Provera to bring on my period so i can get the ball rolling. The doc also gave me a script for CLomid which is a fertility drug and even though he wants to get the testing back before i try the Provera and the Clomid, i think we might hold off on the Clomid. I want to get pregnant, but we have not been "trying trying" for too long yet, so i dont want to order up twins yet, haha...even though its a big possibility in my family WITHOUT the fertility drugs. We will see...He said insemination may be a possibility if we have problems, but he does not think IVF will be necessary.
I am just relieved that i got answers today and that there is a good possibility that i could get pregnant sometime this year! I am going to work on eating better and start exercising, cant wait for the weather to get better to go on walks again. I will continue with the mega prenatal vitamin that i've been taking for months and i think i should start taking the folic acid supplement that i was prescribed. I want to do this right. I work with medically fragile children and i know there are things that cannot be controlled but i want to control the things that can.
It was kinda funny because when we came home from the appointment and a neighbor i dont know was walking her son (looked to be about 8 months or so). I said hello and as Jason and i were getting in the door, i started crying. I am just so happy that a baby can be possible for us, they were tears of relief. Plus, im a sap!
Since i have been off the Cymbalta about 2 1/2 weeks now, i have been more emotional. But i am also learning that it is ok. This is who i am, I am Cindy and i have been this way all my life. I can "feel" again and i feel really good about that.
So, things are looking up! Will keep things updated! Thanks for reading :)
I went in for the ultrasound and I was actually kind of excited, i guess this is because i have been so worried and this was going to let me know if i have the cysts on my ovaries or not. I hated not knowing what was going on in there. We found out that my right ovary has about 14-16 cysts (he was just estimating) and my left is fine. Everything else in my uterus is fine, yay! I have to start eating better and exercising to help get rid of those cysts to increase my chances of getting pregnant.
We went back in to talk to him after the ultrasound and he informed us that things are promising, especially with the one ovary being better than the other. I am going to get a host of prenatal testing done at Labcorp tomorrow along with more testing that he is ordering. I am already on day 47 of my cycle which is craziness but i average 50-70 days anyway. He gave me a script for Provera to bring on my period so i can get the ball rolling. The doc also gave me a script for CLomid which is a fertility drug and even though he wants to get the testing back before i try the Provera and the Clomid, i think we might hold off on the Clomid. I want to get pregnant, but we have not been "trying trying" for too long yet, so i dont want to order up twins yet, haha...even though its a big possibility in my family WITHOUT the fertility drugs. We will see...He said insemination may be a possibility if we have problems, but he does not think IVF will be necessary.
I am just relieved that i got answers today and that there is a good possibility that i could get pregnant sometime this year! I am going to work on eating better and start exercising, cant wait for the weather to get better to go on walks again. I will continue with the mega prenatal vitamin that i've been taking for months and i think i should start taking the folic acid supplement that i was prescribed. I want to do this right. I work with medically fragile children and i know there are things that cannot be controlled but i want to control the things that can.
It was kinda funny because when we came home from the appointment and a neighbor i dont know was walking her son (looked to be about 8 months or so). I said hello and as Jason and i were getting in the door, i started crying. I am just so happy that a baby can be possible for us, they were tears of relief. Plus, im a sap!
Since i have been off the Cymbalta about 2 1/2 weeks now, i have been more emotional. But i am also learning that it is ok. This is who i am, I am Cindy and i have been this way all my life. I can "feel" again and i feel really good about that.
So, things are looking up! Will keep things updated! Thanks for reading :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
o boy!! the thoughts....
I am usually a very open person but i guess i dont open up enough when it comes to writing and really getting my thoughts out...Although i have a few more progress notes to write, i really need to take this time right now to get my thoughts out, so please bear with me.
For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.
There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!
One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??
I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...
So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.
The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...
ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!
For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.
There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!
One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??
I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...
So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.
The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...
ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Realizations
It has been an interesting weekend to say the least, and a lot of realizations. Jason and i went over to visit Michelle(cousin) & Todd and their 2 week old bundle of joy, Jordan Taylor on Saturday afternoon. She is an absolute joy! I think i held her for at least an hour. My motherly instinct started shinning through again! Also, putting her into Jason's arms was a bit touching to me, i mean, looking at him holding the baby and seeing the way he looked at her was just...uh, i can barely put it into words! We had a lot of fun just hanging out with them and talking about all things "baby." Jason might not want to admit it at first, but i think he really enjoyed the baby talks too!
After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....
After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.
This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!
Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!
MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!
So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!
PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!
to be continued.....
comments/advice are much appreciated :)
After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....
After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.
This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!
Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!
MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!
So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!
PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!
to be continued.....
comments/advice are much appreciated :)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Oh where to start......
Wow! Its been well over 7 months since my last blog. Its funny how fast time goes by..last blog i was 5 weeks from getting married with all the nerves of the wedding and all the crappy details involving my dad. Here we are all these months later, married and still not talking to my dad. But i have to really not look at it like that. I think something really significant will have to happen in order for him to see the light, but after he blew me off at Wayne's wedding when I tried to talk to him, i have decided, i am DONE!!!
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
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