o boy!! the thoughts....

I am usually a very open person but i guess i dont open up enough when it comes to writing and really getting my thoughts out...Although i have a few more progress notes to write, i really need to take this time right now to get my thoughts out, so please bear with me.

For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.

There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!





One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??

I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...

So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.

The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...

ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!