Oh where to start......

Wow! Its been well over 7 months since my last blog. Its funny how fast time goes by..last blog i was 5 weeks from getting married with all the nerves of the wedding and all the crappy details involving my dad. Here we are all these months later, married and still not talking to my dad. But i have to really not look at it like that. I think something really significant will have to happen in order for him to see the light, but after he blew me off at Wayne's wedding when I tried to talk to him, i have decided, i am DONE!!!

On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!

i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...

In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)

The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....

well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!

nite nite for now :)