Dear Daddy...a farewell

Dear Daddy...

In writing my dad's eulogy, there was so much to write, yet i kept losing my focus, this is everything I came up with in my mixed up brain the night before the viewing. There was just so much more to say, but I guess there is always more to say...


Dad's Eulogy

By: Cindy Pedersen
9.27.08

Where to begin? Dad was not the cuddly dad that I once wished him to be. But there comes a time when you have to just accept people for who they are. The months following his diagnosis, Dad really became in touch with his emotions, he really let us all in in a way that he never had before. I am thankful that we were able to see that side of him. He was always a bit of a tough guy, but I knew deep inside there was something more. During a conversation in August he said to me, " I love you and I have always loved you, I want you to know that." Those words were so genuinely put that it made a lasting impression on my heart knowing that this "tough guy" was really opening up to me.

Some of his famous quotes I remember…As a kid I always remember him saying, "Ya done good" when praising for a job well done…During our birthdays, the question was always, "So, how does it feel to be…?" You could always count him asking you the SAME question year after year.


I was always the emotional child. I would cry at the drop of a hat, not much has changed. When going to see Beauty & the Beast in the movie theater, I cried when the beast died. Dad was sitting next to me and took my hand and told me, "It's going to be ok." I keep trying to tell myself that now, that we are going to be ok. I know Dad is and always will be watching over us. Every phone call I had with him in the past 2 months involved, "How's the baby? How's mama? I am going to try and make it to February, but if I don't, know that I will be watching over that baby." No one knew for sure if dad would make it to February, but I am confident that everything will be ok with dad as our guardian angel.

Dad taught me many things starting from age 2 ½ years old when I learned to shoot a gun, with assistance of course. I learned to ski, fish, play mini golf, which to this day I have fierce battles with my husband. But of all the things dad has taught me, the most valuable is to take care of your family. When sitting down with all of us after he found out he was sick, he emphasized how important it was to him that we all stick together as a family. I want all of the family to look around today and make a promise to themselves that we will all stick together as a family.

I spent most of dad's last week with him. It meant so much to be there. He was surrounded by his wife, mother, children and our significant others and his grandchildren. Last Wednesday was when dad requested his kids and ma to come up. I was so afraid we wouldn't get there in time. He was able to say his goodbyes, which was a very emotional time for all of us. Vikki told him that he took care of everything for us and that we are going to be ok, that it was time for him to let go. But he couldn't. He went in his own time. I think I speak for my whole family when I say that we are saddened to see him go, but thankful that he is no longer suffering in pain. We made a promise to dad; we are sticking together as a family no matter what.
I love you daddy. You will be missed. <3

Bittersweet moments

Good news and bad news....

The good news is all is going well with the pregnancy for the most part! I am 14 weeks +2 days and really starting to pop! Went for my appt the other day and found out i actually LOST 5 lbs---funny, i thought i gained it! Dr. Cortese said not to worry, have plenty of months to gain the weight! yay! The heartbeat was very strong, heard it on the Doppler. Will be getting an ultrasound at 20 weeks--cannot wait--hoping baby will cooperate so we can find out the sex! I predict boy, Jason says girl! I have been having some breathing problems with my asthma, been to the allergist and he told me I wasn't breathing at full capacity (that explains why i run out of breath from the car to the house!). I am at 80% and should be at 90-100%---does he mean my pulse ox??? So despite my "i am not taking ANY drugs during this pregnancy thing"--well that went out the window, on Pulmicort at night, dammit! But like the doc says, if I am not breathing, baby is not breathing...other than that, all day nausea stopped around 8 1/2 weeks--but i still bring up a meal every once in awhile---the gagging takes over and there is no stopping it! yuk! I am still a little tired--when is that energy supposed to kick in??

On another note, the bad note...my dad was just recently diagnosed with Lung cancer. The prognosis is not good, at first they were giving him 6mo-1 year with treatment and now in a month's time, he has gone downhill. We reconciled last month after not speaking for a year and I am so thankful for that. My family and I are really devastated over this news. He could have weeks to maybe months left and it is just a lot to take in. My Nana is devastated, my dad is her only son and she feels that she is just living too long. I am just asking for prayers from all of you!
I was up to visit with him yesterday and also got to spend some quality time with my sisters which was great. When sitting with my dad, he held my hand and said, "Take really good care of that baby....I love you, I have always loved you, I just want you to know that." It was all I needed to hear, although we had some differences, I never stopped loving him either. My dad was never one to talk about emotions or even show emotion, now at this stage in his life, he is very emotional and telling us all he wants us to know, which I am so thankful for. I am also thankful he had so many kids so we can all be there for one another through this time. My dad's birthday is Sept 18th--really hoping he can make his birthday so we can all spend that quality time with him. He said he is really going to try.

Just asking for prayers for our family! Cancer is such a shitty disease, as many of you know who have lost close family member and friends...why is it taking so long to find a cure?

GUESS WHAT??

You got it! I am pregnant!!!! I had to wait to break the news to all of you since I didn't want my family finding out from a blog! So....things are going really well and I felt it was time to really put it out there. Although i am not yet out of the 1st trimester, I feel really positive for the way things have been going....

I will be 7 weeks on Monday, July 7th!!! So from the calculation that I did online, it looks like my due date is on or around February 22, 2009...but will find out at my appointment on Monday!!! Jason and I have had a whirlwind of a month! 4 days after we believe we conceived (think it was June 1st to all those who want to know, haha!), I was already having signs....and then that weekend we went to the outlets with my mother-in-law and I had a bout of nausea and almost got sick at the table...I was like, "I have GOT to be pregnant, this is just not normal." But then again...it was hot that weekend....

I went for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels on June 9th...my levels were 28 which they told me was really good to hold a baby, but still was too early to let them know whether I was pregnant....the crazy waiting game begins!!! However, I continued to have signs; peeing all the time, nausea, constantly hungry, this constant pool of saliva in my mouth and of course the dreaded boob hurt--which has never gone away! So...we remained positive and I took a pregnancy test which was negative, but I had a feeling that it was too soon for it to pick up the pregnancy hormone....Then on Friday the 13th---we had a faded line!!! I took another one on Saturday and it was still faded, but looked pretty positive to me!!! My sister Danielle INSISTED we get a digital test.We took this test on Father's Day and it read "PREGNANT." It was Jason's first "almost" Father's Day, which brought a lot of joy in more than one way. At that moment, it just didn't seem real. Even though Jason and I thought I was, until you get that definitive answer...its just an amazing feeling to know it all worked!!! Since before even finding out, I have been eating much better getting all those fruits and veggies and taking my vitamins religiously!!

I got a blood test the next day to confirm and the results were of course positive! They informed me that they wanted me to come in for bloodwork every 3-4 days to monitor my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) to make sure all is going well :) So, this meant that we needed to find a Labcorp out in Arizona to get bloodwork! It all worked out--my results while we were away went from 285 (4 wks) to 2,024 and then doubled to 5, 138 three days later (this was in the 5th week)...The nurses were really happy and told me I had graduated from bloodwork and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.

We went in for the ultrasound this past Monday at 6 weeks exactly. It was amazing to say the least. We saw the little sac and actually saw the flutter!!! It brought tears to my eyes! We tried to hear the heartbeat but it was too early to hear anything...Just to see the little one flutter, made me feel so much better! It all became more real for Jason and I that we are going to be parents!!! We cannot wait to actually hear that heartbeat on Monday night!!! :)

So....I have to admit, I am still pretty worried for everything to go alright, but I know I have to remain positive. It's just that everything seems like its going so right at the moment, I just hope nothing happens to destroy that. The doctor sounded really positive though and said its great to even see the flutter at 6 weeks and the fact that my bloodwork is good--they were happy AND SO ARE WE!

Yesterday, the 4th of July, we told part of our family! Jason and I couldn't wait to tell everyone but wanted to make sure things were going well before we made that step.We presented my mom & stepdad, his mom, and my Nana with a present...inside we had onsies that read things like, "Nana's little ray of sunshine" and "I love Grandmom." We also had framed a picture of the sonogram and wrote on it, "Hi Grandmom, See you February 2009, Love Baby Pedersen." We figured, with all of the details...they would get the hint. My sister, Connie, who has known since the beginning videotaped it, what a wonderful keepsake! My mother-in-law barely opened it up and got up, and hugged and kissed us...My mom and Nana had tears of happiness in their eyes. It was a wonderful moment :)

So just hope and pray for us that everything goes well. I will be updating the blog more often now! Sorry it took so long, but hey, didn't want to write anything too soon.

Oh and one more thing---there is only 1 in there! Just in case you were wondering, haha! Will update soon and thank you all for your good wishes and BABY dust! Thank you Crystal! Considering the day of my friend, Spina's engagement party was when I was rubbing bellies with my very pregnant friend Crystal, which just happens to be the day I got pregnant--the baby dust worked! YAYYYY :)


Oh and one more thing...I called my dad today, we haven't spoke in over a year. I felt I would be the bigger person and make the big step...I am so glad I did. The conversation went really well, we both know it is going to take some time, but are willing to start fresh. I want him to have that opportunity to be involved in Lil Pede's life! He is happy that he will be a Grandpop again! I'm telling you, I really believe things happen for a reason. It was a really good weekend overall. I couldn't be happier in this moment!

Good news!

OK, so I don't want to get myself too psyched, but we got really good news today from the ultrasound. The doctor sounded really positive that things could truly happen this month! Last month my egg follicles only got as big as 14 mm with the 50 mg of Clomid...this month, on the first ultrasound---18mm with the 100 mg of Clmoid!!! They really like them to be around 20mm, which he estimated I may be ovulating on SUNDAY---guess what WE will be doing this weekend? haha! So now, we have to continue with the every other day routine (hehe) and I go in for bloodwork on June 9th to check my progesterone levels! Please pray for us!

I just feel a lot better about hearing this news. We have already said that if it doesn't happen next month then we will choose to go through with an insemiation, which means I would still take the Clomid, they would have to order me a shot to take and then inseminate me...think that's how it goes, have to do a little more research. But I really feel good about this month--especially since the doc was so impressed :) Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that my insurance covers these procedures?

On another note, J and I have started playing tennis--it's a bit of a workout which is good for me and my situation---haven't played since i was like, 12, so you can imagine how good I am at swinging the racket and hitting the ball! But it is a nice stress reliever for the both of us going through this fertility issue :)

Thank you all who have been so supportive through all this, it is really nice to see how many of you truly care about us :) I am really trying to keep my cool, still break down every once in awhile, but as some of you know who have or are going through this, it is frustrating...And as much as i want to just relax, that is really a hard thing to do....I am just trying to have faith and hope that we will soon be parents!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us---thanks bunches!

Getting there...

An update...So today we went to the doc for the second ultrasound after taking the Clomid 50mg. On Tuesday the largest egg follicle was 9mm and now I have one that is at 14mm....The doc does not think that we will get pregnant this month, bummer! But we can continue to have "relations" as they like to call it, (haha) starting every other day next week---in hopes that there will finally be a mature egg that would like to get fertilized from a happy little swimmer---ahhh down to such a science! The doctor said that we will increase the Clomid next month, since my ovaries didn't respond well to 50mg. I think they will increase it one more time after the first increase and then we start talking insemination (IUI)....but HOPEFULLY we don't have to get to that point...Did i MENTION how thankful I am that my insurance covers all of this---AND for IVF if God forbid, we get that far...I pay a lot for my PPO--but dammit, its worth it :)

I have had many great suggestions and comments on my last blog (thank you to all who wrote in, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts). I think if it doesn't happen in the next month or so, we are just going to have to take a break and see if nature can takes its course without all the pressure. I know the body does some crazy things when under stress...My friend Heather says, we should just enjoy the baby dancing---great advice!

As for the exercise, I have walked 4 days this week (2 miles each time) and J and I plan to continue to do so when i get home from work each day. I have been watching what I eat a little more and have started taking the extra folic acid along side my prenatal pill. I know it is going to take work, but I am willing to do this in order to become a mother.

I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure about putting all of our business out there, but then I realized (from all the private messages and comments I received) that it can also help others---awareness is key! Sometimes there are people going through the same thing as I found out. Now I know I am doing the right thing. We are in this together.

Thanks again for reading and I hope the next blog update will be a SUPER positive one! :)

Trying to stay positive

Alright, so Jason and I went to the doc tonight for my ultrasound after taking the Clomid for 5 days (days 3-7 of my cycle). Maybe I shouldn't have gotten myself all psyched up like i did...The doctor found that my follicles are not as big as they would have liked them to be at this stage in the game(day 12 of the cycle). So.....i have to go in for another ultrasound on Saturday morning (yes, a doctors office that has SATURDAY appointments!) to see if they have gotten any bigger. He says they are like at 9 (cm? does that sound right?) and they need to be at like 14-20. So, needless to say i was pretty disappointed. When the doc and tech left the room, I fell apart. Jason was of course being encouraging hubby that he is saying all the right things, but it is hard for me to stay positive when i want a baby this bad. The doctor said that if this month it doesn't happen, they will have to increase the Clomid (took 50 mg) and since it tends to take me 60 days to get a period, they will give me Provera, do more blood testing and blah blah blah and then start the cycle of Clomid all over again when i begin my next cycle (i apologize for the run on sentence!) I am now realizing that it is going to be harder than I anticipated, thinking, oh well, i just take this little fertility drug and then boom, im pregnant---but then reality strikes. OK, I know i am being hard on myself and i have to stop, it's just sad for me. I know we have only been trying to get pregnant since January but now its just getting frustrating. I know they also say, when you aren't trying---that's when it happens! Well, how the hell do you pretend NOT to try?? So all who are reading this, please pray for large follicles on Saturday so we can get pregnant soon :) Looking forward to being a mommy---I feel like one already to my students, just look forward to having a child of our own! I see the twinkle in Jason's eyes when he sees a little one and I just can't wait to give him a family.

Oh and by the way, I started walking with my awesome neighbor, walked 2 miles last night and plan to do it again tomorrow. I am also eating a little better! Excited for the March for Babies walk on Sunday---5 miles, gotta get these ovaries in shape! ha! :) Just a bunch of randomness....

Does anyone have any success stories of people they know of who have been on Clomid? Please share!!! :) Thanks for reading!

Update

Alright...so the update on the baby situation. Well, after 63 days of waiting for the big P, i finally got it! I was getting kinda irritated with taking pregnancy tests and getting negative results, but I am glad i can start a new month with hopefully BETTER results! I started taking the Clomid today (supposed to take it days 3-7 of my cycle). I have to make an appt with the doc for an ultrasound on day 12 to check out the follicles. I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to take the Clomid because it can cause multiple births. Jason and I are cool with twins---but triplets might be a bit difficult. I have back issues so I don't even think my body could hold triplets---I guess we will see what happens and let nature take her course. No matter what, we will be happy with what God gives us!