Wednesday, March 28, 2007
clouded
I cant really think...supposed to write a paper for tomorrow nights class...but im clouded by so many thoughts...i just want to sleep and wake up to the smell of the fresh spring air. Think i am going to write the prof and tell her my paper will be late, dont usually like to do that...but i need to for my sanity...Jason had flowers sent to the apt yesterday for me, it was very sweet. He sent them for a "pick me up"....dont know how i am going to go about this whole "cutting my dad out of my life" thing. I was never one to give up on family, but hey, they gave up on me. I am tired of being shit on....a person can only take so much before they snap. Im tired of being that person who is always so forgiving....im going to bed soon....just wanted to type a blurb....guess i should write the prof before bed.,....uhhhhh so much to fucking do....
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The family whirlwind
Im getting married in 3 months YIPPEEE!! This is a very exciting time for me, a time that a few years ago i never thought would be possible. But then i met the love of my life and all the good is coming true....However, in the life of me, its not possible to have too much of a good thing...there is always SOMETHING that is going to damper some things....
To make a long story short, my parents separated when i was a year old. My father married twice afterwards and has now 15 year old twin daughters, who i love so much. I have never had a really close relationship with my dad, i would see him every three weeks for a weekend and for more time in the summer. Yet, growing up, i looked up to him and felt that i was truly "daddy's little girl" because i was afterall, the youngest of my older sister and brother. He was stern and not very affectionate, the total opposite of what i was used to with my mother. I can honestly say, unlike my brother and sister who lived with my dad for 10 and 12 years of their life, i never really knew him. As a result, i dont feel a complete connection with him. Yet, all my life i have always wanted to please him. In the end, i dont think i have ever really achieved that and at this point in my life, i am giving up. I realize now that i need to be happy and my happiness is not going to be dependent upon his acceptance of something. What am i getting at?
My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 years old. My mom married him when i was 5. We had some trials and tribulations throughout my teenage years but i think this is normal for most parents. I dont agree with some ways that he did things, but i do see why he were so strict with other things. I didnt feel as though i could go to my mom or steve with a problem because they were so conservative when it came to a lot of things, so instead, i just rebelled. I would often throw the whole, "You are not my father" shpeel on Steve. But then again, he truly was being a father, i just didnt see it.
Fast Forward.....
My wedding day is in 3 months. Almost 4 weeks ago, i called my dad.I wanted to update him on all the things going on in my life including the wedding details. I knew there was going to be a problem with what i was going to bring up, so i was nervous...then bit the bullet and said it. "Im going to have you and Steve walk me down the aisle."
Dad: what?
me: (i repeated myself)
Dad: whatever
me: is there a problem?
Dad: what do you think?
me: i just think its fair because Steve has been in my life since i was 2, and you are my dad.
Dad: You be as fair as you want. BYE BYE (he hangs up on me)
WhaT THE HELL?? I thought MAYBE just maybe my dad would grow up and realize that this is not HIS wedding, that it would be an HONOR for him to walk me down the aisle, even if it is with another man. Another man that helped raise me and never beat me. I guess he cant see it that way, instead he has to make this all about him, typical. I was extremely upset that night....
so then today happened...my future sister-in-law's bridal shower...I was nervous for this day because i knew i would have to see my stepmom and little sisters. I didnt know where anyone was standing but i knew it was going to be tense. It was...Vikki barely talked and didnt acknowledge me. I knew my nana was picking up on everything too. The shower however was really nice! They got a lot of great things, looking forward to my shower! But anyway...then came the end of the shower when Vikki decided she needed to throw me a comment! She says to me "Cindy, good luck with your wedding, since i dont think we will be going" My response to that was, "Oh, i guess dad hasn't grown up yet?" So then she proceeds to tell me that i went about the whole thing wrong. uh, excuse me, who hung up on who?? hmmmm....And she must think that this is a ploy for me to get BACK at my dad for leaving because she said something along the lines of "there's this thing called forgiveness." ok.....i then repeated what i told my dad about how steve has been there for me since i was 2 and that i think that it is fair. I dont know what else i said, but i had to walk away...she then said something along the lines of me breaking up the family. I said back to her, "ive done nothing wrong." I truly believe this....My Nana saw all this happen and that is something that kills me.
I began to get really upset and i approached Wayne's partner, Michelle who was standing with a few other women. Here we are at the end of the shower, and i am having an anxiety attack! I started crying and then hyperventilating...Michelle moved out a chair for me to sit on and a glass of water to drink. Liza came over to me and i truly loved her then. I had some animosity with the whole "them getting married before us when we got engaged first thing" but i have let that go and have for awhile now. Everyone was trying to tell me, "this is your wedding, you do what you want to do" and i was in such a crazy state of mind that i couldnt really process everything. I was numb and shaky and still hyperventilating....who the hell does she think she is to start something at Liza's shower?? Did she REALLY think that i was going to keep my mouth shut??
My brother and i had a great conversation about the whole thing, he tried to calm me down a bit and did a good job. He told me that he is going to talk to dad for me to see where he gets. At this point, i dont know what i want. the way i feel about him at this point? i would rather him not be there by the way he has behaved....But we will see. I am so thankful for my brother, we have had some issues in the past, but i really do love him and am glad that we still have a close relationship.
OK, so i dont know if my dad is coming, but what breaks me up most about this WHOLE ordeal is that i dont want to lose my little sisters in this. I love them so much and i know they want to be a part of the wedding as we intended them to be. Time will tell at this point....i refuse to backdown on my decision, even though my stepdad told me he wouldnt be offended if to save face i decided to have only my dad walk me down the aisle....I said "NO, this is what i want, its my wedding." Plus, if he gets his way, i will not be the happy one in the end and the bride has to be happy on her special day, right???
So the saga of the family whirlwind continues....as if the wedding hasnt been stressful enough! I am just happy that in 3 months, Jason and i will be pronounced husband and wife and really in the end, it is all that is going to matter....if only i can stop being such an emotional person!!! Until then, i will continue taking my ativan to keep me sane.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
To make a long story short, my parents separated when i was a year old. My father married twice afterwards and has now 15 year old twin daughters, who i love so much. I have never had a really close relationship with my dad, i would see him every three weeks for a weekend and for more time in the summer. Yet, growing up, i looked up to him and felt that i was truly "daddy's little girl" because i was afterall, the youngest of my older sister and brother. He was stern and not very affectionate, the total opposite of what i was used to with my mother. I can honestly say, unlike my brother and sister who lived with my dad for 10 and 12 years of their life, i never really knew him. As a result, i dont feel a complete connection with him. Yet, all my life i have always wanted to please him. In the end, i dont think i have ever really achieved that and at this point in my life, i am giving up. I realize now that i need to be happy and my happiness is not going to be dependent upon his acceptance of something. What am i getting at?
My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 years old. My mom married him when i was 5. We had some trials and tribulations throughout my teenage years but i think this is normal for most parents. I dont agree with some ways that he did things, but i do see why he were so strict with other things. I didnt feel as though i could go to my mom or steve with a problem because they were so conservative when it came to a lot of things, so instead, i just rebelled. I would often throw the whole, "You are not my father" shpeel on Steve. But then again, he truly was being a father, i just didnt see it.
Fast Forward.....
My wedding day is in 3 months. Almost 4 weeks ago, i called my dad.I wanted to update him on all the things going on in my life including the wedding details. I knew there was going to be a problem with what i was going to bring up, so i was nervous...then bit the bullet and said it. "Im going to have you and Steve walk me down the aisle."
Dad: what?
me: (i repeated myself)
Dad: whatever
me: is there a problem?
Dad: what do you think?
me: i just think its fair because Steve has been in my life since i was 2, and you are my dad.
Dad: You be as fair as you want. BYE BYE (he hangs up on me)
WhaT THE HELL?? I thought MAYBE just maybe my dad would grow up and realize that this is not HIS wedding, that it would be an HONOR for him to walk me down the aisle, even if it is with another man. Another man that helped raise me and never beat me. I guess he cant see it that way, instead he has to make this all about him, typical. I was extremely upset that night....
so then today happened...my future sister-in-law's bridal shower...I was nervous for this day because i knew i would have to see my stepmom and little sisters. I didnt know where anyone was standing but i knew it was going to be tense. It was...Vikki barely talked and didnt acknowledge me. I knew my nana was picking up on everything too. The shower however was really nice! They got a lot of great things, looking forward to my shower! But anyway...then came the end of the shower when Vikki decided she needed to throw me a comment! She says to me "Cindy, good luck with your wedding, since i dont think we will be going" My response to that was, "Oh, i guess dad hasn't grown up yet?" So then she proceeds to tell me that i went about the whole thing wrong. uh, excuse me, who hung up on who?? hmmmm....And she must think that this is a ploy for me to get BACK at my dad for leaving because she said something along the lines of "there's this thing called forgiveness." ok.....i then repeated what i told my dad about how steve has been there for me since i was 2 and that i think that it is fair. I dont know what else i said, but i had to walk away...she then said something along the lines of me breaking up the family. I said back to her, "ive done nothing wrong." I truly believe this....My Nana saw all this happen and that is something that kills me.
I began to get really upset and i approached Wayne's partner, Michelle who was standing with a few other women. Here we are at the end of the shower, and i am having an anxiety attack! I started crying and then hyperventilating...Michelle moved out a chair for me to sit on and a glass of water to drink. Liza came over to me and i truly loved her then. I had some animosity with the whole "them getting married before us when we got engaged first thing" but i have let that go and have for awhile now. Everyone was trying to tell me, "this is your wedding, you do what you want to do" and i was in such a crazy state of mind that i couldnt really process everything. I was numb and shaky and still hyperventilating....who the hell does she think she is to start something at Liza's shower?? Did she REALLY think that i was going to keep my mouth shut??
My brother and i had a great conversation about the whole thing, he tried to calm me down a bit and did a good job. He told me that he is going to talk to dad for me to see where he gets. At this point, i dont know what i want. the way i feel about him at this point? i would rather him not be there by the way he has behaved....But we will see. I am so thankful for my brother, we have had some issues in the past, but i really do love him and am glad that we still have a close relationship.
OK, so i dont know if my dad is coming, but what breaks me up most about this WHOLE ordeal is that i dont want to lose my little sisters in this. I love them so much and i know they want to be a part of the wedding as we intended them to be. Time will tell at this point....i refuse to backdown on my decision, even though my stepdad told me he wouldnt be offended if to save face i decided to have only my dad walk me down the aisle....I said "NO, this is what i want, its my wedding." Plus, if he gets his way, i will not be the happy one in the end and the bride has to be happy on her special day, right???
So the saga of the family whirlwind continues....as if the wedding hasnt been stressful enough! I am just happy that in 3 months, Jason and i will be pronounced husband and wife and really in the end, it is all that is going to matter....if only i can stop being such an emotional person!!! Until then, i will continue taking my ativan to keep me sane.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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