Well, today Jason & I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out whether I truly do have a diagnosis of PCOS. The doc sat down with us for a consultation to find out more about our medical histories and to explain (with diagrams) about fertility. I felt like i was in class again, which was fine in this instance.
I went in for the ultrasound and I was actually kind of excited, i guess this is because i have been so worried and this was going to let me know if i have the cysts on my ovaries or not. I hated not knowing what was going on in there. We found out that my right ovary has about 14-16 cysts (he was just estimating) and my left is fine. Everything else in my uterus is fine, yay! I have to start eating better and exercising to help get rid of those cysts to increase my chances of getting pregnant.
We went back in to talk to him after the ultrasound and he informed us that things are promising, especially with the one ovary being better than the other. I am going to get a host of prenatal testing done at Labcorp tomorrow along with more testing that he is ordering. I am already on day 47 of my cycle which is craziness but i average 50-70 days anyway. He gave me a script for Provera to bring on my period so i can get the ball rolling. The doc also gave me a script for CLomid which is a fertility drug and even though he wants to get the testing back before i try the Provera and the Clomid, i think we might hold off on the Clomid. I want to get pregnant, but we have not been "trying trying" for too long yet, so i dont want to order up twins yet, haha...even though its a big possibility in my family WITHOUT the fertility drugs. We will see...He said insemination may be a possibility if we have problems, but he does not think IVF will be necessary.
I am just relieved that i got answers today and that there is a good possibility that i could get pregnant sometime this year! I am going to work on eating better and start exercising, cant wait for the weather to get better to go on walks again. I will continue with the mega prenatal vitamin that i've been taking for months and i think i should start taking the folic acid supplement that i was prescribed. I want to do this right. I work with medically fragile children and i know there are things that cannot be controlled but i want to control the things that can.
It was kinda funny because when we came home from the appointment and a neighbor i dont know was walking her son (looked to be about 8 months or so). I said hello and as Jason and i were getting in the door, i started crying. I am just so happy that a baby can be possible for us, they were tears of relief. Plus, im a sap!
Since i have been off the Cymbalta about 2 1/2 weeks now, i have been more emotional. But i am also learning that it is ok. This is who i am, I am Cindy and i have been this way all my life. I can "feel" again and i feel really good about that.
So, things are looking up! Will keep things updated! Thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
o boy!! the thoughts....
I am usually a very open person but i guess i dont open up enough when it comes to writing and really getting my thoughts out...Although i have a few more progress notes to write, i really need to take this time right now to get my thoughts out, so please bear with me.
For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.
There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!
One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??
I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...
So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.
The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...
ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!
For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.
There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!
One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??
I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...
So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.
The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...
ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Realizations
It has been an interesting weekend to say the least, and a lot of realizations. Jason and i went over to visit Michelle(cousin) & Todd and their 2 week old bundle of joy, Jordan Taylor on Saturday afternoon. She is an absolute joy! I think i held her for at least an hour. My motherly instinct started shinning through again! Also, putting her into Jason's arms was a bit touching to me, i mean, looking at him holding the baby and seeing the way he looked at her was just...uh, i can barely put it into words! We had a lot of fun just hanging out with them and talking about all things "baby." Jason might not want to admit it at first, but i think he really enjoyed the baby talks too!
After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....
After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.
This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!
Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!
MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!
So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!
PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!
to be continued.....
comments/advice are much appreciated :)
After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....
After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.
This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!
Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!
MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!
So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!
PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!
to be continued.....
comments/advice are much appreciated :)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Oh where to start......
Wow! Its been well over 7 months since my last blog. Its funny how fast time goes by..last blog i was 5 weeks from getting married with all the nerves of the wedding and all the crappy details involving my dad. Here we are all these months later, married and still not talking to my dad. But i have to really not look at it like that. I think something really significant will have to happen in order for him to see the light, but after he blew me off at Wayne's wedding when I tried to talk to him, i have decided, i am DONE!!!
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
Friday, May 18, 2007
5 weeks away!!!
The wedding is 5 weeks away, cannot believe its almost here! We have about 90 people coming so far, they still have 2 weeks to respond before we have to start calling....Wayne's wedding is in one week! Hope it doesnt rain. Im a little nervous for the wedding, its going to be the first time ive seen my dad since Christmas, not that i am going to speak to him anyway...im a little concerned as to why our table has to be next to his, im just uncomfortable with the whole situation since the confrontation with Vikki at Liza's shower...she makes me sick, literally and figuratively. I wish i could rid myself of people that are so toxic, but its hard when i have lil sisters that i love dearly, are involved...who knows, in the end, i may lose them too. I dont know what the hell is going to happen in all of this. Wayne tried talking to my dad about the whole situation and he said that he just cant do it, meaning walking me down the aisle...which also probably means attending the wedding...we havent gotten their response card back and frankly, its pissing me off. If you are not fucking coming, send it back with your damn NO!
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
clouded
I cant really think...supposed to write a paper for tomorrow nights class...but im clouded by so many thoughts...i just want to sleep and wake up to the smell of the fresh spring air. Think i am going to write the prof and tell her my paper will be late, dont usually like to do that...but i need to for my sanity...Jason had flowers sent to the apt yesterday for me, it was very sweet. He sent them for a "pick me up"....dont know how i am going to go about this whole "cutting my dad out of my life" thing. I was never one to give up on family, but hey, they gave up on me. I am tired of being shit on....a person can only take so much before they snap. Im tired of being that person who is always so forgiving....im going to bed soon....just wanted to type a blurb....guess i should write the prof before bed.,....uhhhhh so much to fucking do....
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