It has been an interesting weekend to say the least, and a lot of realizations. Jason and i went over to visit Michelle(cousin) & Todd and their 2 week old bundle of joy, Jordan Taylor on Saturday afternoon. She is an absolute joy! I think i held her for at least an hour. My motherly instinct started shinning through again! Also, putting her into Jason's arms was a bit touching to me, i mean, looking at him holding the baby and seeing the way he looked at her was just...uh, i can barely put it into words! We had a lot of fun just hanging out with them and talking about all things "baby." Jason might not want to admit it at first, but i think he really enjoyed the baby talks too!
After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....
After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.
This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!
Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!
MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!
So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!
PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!
to be continued.....
comments/advice are much appreciated :)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Oh where to start......
Wow! Its been well over 7 months since my last blog. Its funny how fast time goes by..last blog i was 5 weeks from getting married with all the nerves of the wedding and all the crappy details involving my dad. Here we are all these months later, married and still not talking to my dad. But i have to really not look at it like that. I think something really significant will have to happen in order for him to see the light, but after he blew me off at Wayne's wedding when I tried to talk to him, i have decided, i am DONE!!!
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!
i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...
In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)
The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....
well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!
nite nite for now :)
Friday, May 18, 2007
5 weeks away!!!
The wedding is 5 weeks away, cannot believe its almost here! We have about 90 people coming so far, they still have 2 weeks to respond before we have to start calling....Wayne's wedding is in one week! Hope it doesnt rain. Im a little nervous for the wedding, its going to be the first time ive seen my dad since Christmas, not that i am going to speak to him anyway...im a little concerned as to why our table has to be next to his, im just uncomfortable with the whole situation since the confrontation with Vikki at Liza's shower...she makes me sick, literally and figuratively. I wish i could rid myself of people that are so toxic, but its hard when i have lil sisters that i love dearly, are involved...who knows, in the end, i may lose them too. I dont know what the hell is going to happen in all of this. Wayne tried talking to my dad about the whole situation and he said that he just cant do it, meaning walking me down the aisle...which also probably means attending the wedding...we havent gotten their response card back and frankly, its pissing me off. If you are not fucking coming, send it back with your damn NO!
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
clouded
I cant really think...supposed to write a paper for tomorrow nights class...but im clouded by so many thoughts...i just want to sleep and wake up to the smell of the fresh spring air. Think i am going to write the prof and tell her my paper will be late, dont usually like to do that...but i need to for my sanity...Jason had flowers sent to the apt yesterday for me, it was very sweet. He sent them for a "pick me up"....dont know how i am going to go about this whole "cutting my dad out of my life" thing. I was never one to give up on family, but hey, they gave up on me. I am tired of being shit on....a person can only take so much before they snap. Im tired of being that person who is always so forgiving....im going to bed soon....just wanted to type a blurb....guess i should write the prof before bed.,....uhhhhh so much to fucking do....
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The family whirlwind
Im getting married in 3 months YIPPEEE!! This is a very exciting time for me, a time that a few years ago i never thought would be possible. But then i met the love of my life and all the good is coming true....However, in the life of me, its not possible to have too much of a good thing...there is always SOMETHING that is going to damper some things....
To make a long story short, my parents separated when i was a year old. My father married twice afterwards and has now 15 year old twin daughters, who i love so much. I have never had a really close relationship with my dad, i would see him every three weeks for a weekend and for more time in the summer. Yet, growing up, i looked up to him and felt that i was truly "daddy's little girl" because i was afterall, the youngest of my older sister and brother. He was stern and not very affectionate, the total opposite of what i was used to with my mother. I can honestly say, unlike my brother and sister who lived with my dad for 10 and 12 years of their life, i never really knew him. As a result, i dont feel a complete connection with him. Yet, all my life i have always wanted to please him. In the end, i dont think i have ever really achieved that and at this point in my life, i am giving up. I realize now that i need to be happy and my happiness is not going to be dependent upon his acceptance of something. What am i getting at?
My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 years old. My mom married him when i was 5. We had some trials and tribulations throughout my teenage years but i think this is normal for most parents. I dont agree with some ways that he did things, but i do see why he were so strict with other things. I didnt feel as though i could go to my mom or steve with a problem because they were so conservative when it came to a lot of things, so instead, i just rebelled. I would often throw the whole, "You are not my father" shpeel on Steve. But then again, he truly was being a father, i just didnt see it.
Fast Forward.....
My wedding day is in 3 months. Almost 4 weeks ago, i called my dad.I wanted to update him on all the things going on in my life including the wedding details. I knew there was going to be a problem with what i was going to bring up, so i was nervous...then bit the bullet and said it. "Im going to have you and Steve walk me down the aisle."
Dad: what?
me: (i repeated myself)
Dad: whatever
me: is there a problem?
Dad: what do you think?
me: i just think its fair because Steve has been in my life since i was 2, and you are my dad.
Dad: You be as fair as you want. BYE BYE (he hangs up on me)
WhaT THE HELL?? I thought MAYBE just maybe my dad would grow up and realize that this is not HIS wedding, that it would be an HONOR for him to walk me down the aisle, even if it is with another man. Another man that helped raise me and never beat me. I guess he cant see it that way, instead he has to make this all about him, typical. I was extremely upset that night....
so then today happened...my future sister-in-law's bridal shower...I was nervous for this day because i knew i would have to see my stepmom and little sisters. I didnt know where anyone was standing but i knew it was going to be tense. It was...Vikki barely talked and didnt acknowledge me. I knew my nana was picking up on everything too. The shower however was really nice! They got a lot of great things, looking forward to my shower! But anyway...then came the end of the shower when Vikki decided she needed to throw me a comment! She says to me "Cindy, good luck with your wedding, since i dont think we will be going" My response to that was, "Oh, i guess dad hasn't grown up yet?" So then she proceeds to tell me that i went about the whole thing wrong. uh, excuse me, who hung up on who?? hmmmm....And she must think that this is a ploy for me to get BACK at my dad for leaving because she said something along the lines of "there's this thing called forgiveness." ok.....i then repeated what i told my dad about how steve has been there for me since i was 2 and that i think that it is fair. I dont know what else i said, but i had to walk away...she then said something along the lines of me breaking up the family. I said back to her, "ive done nothing wrong." I truly believe this....My Nana saw all this happen and that is something that kills me.
I began to get really upset and i approached Wayne's partner, Michelle who was standing with a few other women. Here we are at the end of the shower, and i am having an anxiety attack! I started crying and then hyperventilating...Michelle moved out a chair for me to sit on and a glass of water to drink. Liza came over to me and i truly loved her then. I had some animosity with the whole "them getting married before us when we got engaged first thing" but i have let that go and have for awhile now. Everyone was trying to tell me, "this is your wedding, you do what you want to do" and i was in such a crazy state of mind that i couldnt really process everything. I was numb and shaky and still hyperventilating....who the hell does she think she is to start something at Liza's shower?? Did she REALLY think that i was going to keep my mouth shut??
My brother and i had a great conversation about the whole thing, he tried to calm me down a bit and did a good job. He told me that he is going to talk to dad for me to see where he gets. At this point, i dont know what i want. the way i feel about him at this point? i would rather him not be there by the way he has behaved....But we will see. I am so thankful for my brother, we have had some issues in the past, but i really do love him and am glad that we still have a close relationship.
OK, so i dont know if my dad is coming, but what breaks me up most about this WHOLE ordeal is that i dont want to lose my little sisters in this. I love them so much and i know they want to be a part of the wedding as we intended them to be. Time will tell at this point....i refuse to backdown on my decision, even though my stepdad told me he wouldnt be offended if to save face i decided to have only my dad walk me down the aisle....I said "NO, this is what i want, its my wedding." Plus, if he gets his way, i will not be the happy one in the end and the bride has to be happy on her special day, right???
So the saga of the family whirlwind continues....as if the wedding hasnt been stressful enough! I am just happy that in 3 months, Jason and i will be pronounced husband and wife and really in the end, it is all that is going to matter....if only i can stop being such an emotional person!!! Until then, i will continue taking my ativan to keep me sane.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
To make a long story short, my parents separated when i was a year old. My father married twice afterwards and has now 15 year old twin daughters, who i love so much. I have never had a really close relationship with my dad, i would see him every three weeks for a weekend and for more time in the summer. Yet, growing up, i looked up to him and felt that i was truly "daddy's little girl" because i was afterall, the youngest of my older sister and brother. He was stern and not very affectionate, the total opposite of what i was used to with my mother. I can honestly say, unlike my brother and sister who lived with my dad for 10 and 12 years of their life, i never really knew him. As a result, i dont feel a complete connection with him. Yet, all my life i have always wanted to please him. In the end, i dont think i have ever really achieved that and at this point in my life, i am giving up. I realize now that i need to be happy and my happiness is not going to be dependent upon his acceptance of something. What am i getting at?
My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 years old. My mom married him when i was 5. We had some trials and tribulations throughout my teenage years but i think this is normal for most parents. I dont agree with some ways that he did things, but i do see why he were so strict with other things. I didnt feel as though i could go to my mom or steve with a problem because they were so conservative when it came to a lot of things, so instead, i just rebelled. I would often throw the whole, "You are not my father" shpeel on Steve. But then again, he truly was being a father, i just didnt see it.
Fast Forward.....
My wedding day is in 3 months. Almost 4 weeks ago, i called my dad.I wanted to update him on all the things going on in my life including the wedding details. I knew there was going to be a problem with what i was going to bring up, so i was nervous...then bit the bullet and said it. "Im going to have you and Steve walk me down the aisle."
Dad: what?
me: (i repeated myself)
Dad: whatever
me: is there a problem?
Dad: what do you think?
me: i just think its fair because Steve has been in my life since i was 2, and you are my dad.
Dad: You be as fair as you want. BYE BYE (he hangs up on me)
WhaT THE HELL?? I thought MAYBE just maybe my dad would grow up and realize that this is not HIS wedding, that it would be an HONOR for him to walk me down the aisle, even if it is with another man. Another man that helped raise me and never beat me. I guess he cant see it that way, instead he has to make this all about him, typical. I was extremely upset that night....
so then today happened...my future sister-in-law's bridal shower...I was nervous for this day because i knew i would have to see my stepmom and little sisters. I didnt know where anyone was standing but i knew it was going to be tense. It was...Vikki barely talked and didnt acknowledge me. I knew my nana was picking up on everything too. The shower however was really nice! They got a lot of great things, looking forward to my shower! But anyway...then came the end of the shower when Vikki decided she needed to throw me a comment! She says to me "Cindy, good luck with your wedding, since i dont think we will be going" My response to that was, "Oh, i guess dad hasn't grown up yet?" So then she proceeds to tell me that i went about the whole thing wrong. uh, excuse me, who hung up on who?? hmmmm....And she must think that this is a ploy for me to get BACK at my dad for leaving because she said something along the lines of "there's this thing called forgiveness." ok.....i then repeated what i told my dad about how steve has been there for me since i was 2 and that i think that it is fair. I dont know what else i said, but i had to walk away...she then said something along the lines of me breaking up the family. I said back to her, "ive done nothing wrong." I truly believe this....My Nana saw all this happen and that is something that kills me.
I began to get really upset and i approached Wayne's partner, Michelle who was standing with a few other women. Here we are at the end of the shower, and i am having an anxiety attack! I started crying and then hyperventilating...Michelle moved out a chair for me to sit on and a glass of water to drink. Liza came over to me and i truly loved her then. I had some animosity with the whole "them getting married before us when we got engaged first thing" but i have let that go and have for awhile now. Everyone was trying to tell me, "this is your wedding, you do what you want to do" and i was in such a crazy state of mind that i couldnt really process everything. I was numb and shaky and still hyperventilating....who the hell does she think she is to start something at Liza's shower?? Did she REALLY think that i was going to keep my mouth shut??
My brother and i had a great conversation about the whole thing, he tried to calm me down a bit and did a good job. He told me that he is going to talk to dad for me to see where he gets. At this point, i dont know what i want. the way i feel about him at this point? i would rather him not be there by the way he has behaved....But we will see. I am so thankful for my brother, we have had some issues in the past, but i really do love him and am glad that we still have a close relationship.
OK, so i dont know if my dad is coming, but what breaks me up most about this WHOLE ordeal is that i dont want to lose my little sisters in this. I love them so much and i know they want to be a part of the wedding as we intended them to be. Time will tell at this point....i refuse to backdown on my decision, even though my stepdad told me he wouldnt be offended if to save face i decided to have only my dad walk me down the aisle....I said "NO, this is what i want, its my wedding." Plus, if he gets his way, i will not be the happy one in the end and the bride has to be happy on her special day, right???
So the saga of the family whirlwind continues....as if the wedding hasnt been stressful enough! I am just happy that in 3 months, Jason and i will be pronounced husband and wife and really in the end, it is all that is going to matter....if only i can stop being such an emotional person!!! Until then, i will continue taking my ativan to keep me sane.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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