GUESS WHAT??

You got it! I am pregnant!!!! I had to wait to break the news to all of you since I didn't want my family finding out from a blog! So....things are going really well and I felt it was time to really put it out there. Although i am not yet out of the 1st trimester, I feel really positive for the way things have been going....

I will be 7 weeks on Monday, July 7th!!! So from the calculation that I did online, it looks like my due date is on or around February 22, 2009...but will find out at my appointment on Monday!!! Jason and I have had a whirlwind of a month! 4 days after we believe we conceived (think it was June 1st to all those who want to know, haha!), I was already having signs....and then that weekend we went to the outlets with my mother-in-law and I had a bout of nausea and almost got sick at the table...I was like, "I have GOT to be pregnant, this is just not normal." But then again...it was hot that weekend....

I went for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels on June 9th...my levels were 28 which they told me was really good to hold a baby, but still was too early to let them know whether I was pregnant....the crazy waiting game begins!!! However, I continued to have signs; peeing all the time, nausea, constantly hungry, this constant pool of saliva in my mouth and of course the dreaded boob hurt--which has never gone away! So...we remained positive and I took a pregnancy test which was negative, but I had a feeling that it was too soon for it to pick up the pregnancy hormone....Then on Friday the 13th---we had a faded line!!! I took another one on Saturday and it was still faded, but looked pretty positive to me!!! My sister Danielle INSISTED we get a digital test.We took this test on Father's Day and it read "PREGNANT." It was Jason's first "almost" Father's Day, which brought a lot of joy in more than one way. At that moment, it just didn't seem real. Even though Jason and I thought I was, until you get that definitive answer...its just an amazing feeling to know it all worked!!! Since before even finding out, I have been eating much better getting all those fruits and veggies and taking my vitamins religiously!!

I got a blood test the next day to confirm and the results were of course positive! They informed me that they wanted me to come in for bloodwork every 3-4 days to monitor my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) to make sure all is going well :) So, this meant that we needed to find a Labcorp out in Arizona to get bloodwork! It all worked out--my results while we were away went from 285 (4 wks) to 2,024 and then doubled to 5, 138 three days later (this was in the 5th week)...The nurses were really happy and told me I had graduated from bloodwork and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.

We went in for the ultrasound this past Monday at 6 weeks exactly. It was amazing to say the least. We saw the little sac and actually saw the flutter!!! It brought tears to my eyes! We tried to hear the heartbeat but it was too early to hear anything...Just to see the little one flutter, made me feel so much better! It all became more real for Jason and I that we are going to be parents!!! We cannot wait to actually hear that heartbeat on Monday night!!! :)

So....I have to admit, I am still pretty worried for everything to go alright, but I know I have to remain positive. It's just that everything seems like its going so right at the moment, I just hope nothing happens to destroy that. The doctor sounded really positive though and said its great to even see the flutter at 6 weeks and the fact that my bloodwork is good--they were happy AND SO ARE WE!

Yesterday, the 4th of July, we told part of our family! Jason and I couldn't wait to tell everyone but wanted to make sure things were going well before we made that step.We presented my mom & stepdad, his mom, and my Nana with a present...inside we had onsies that read things like, "Nana's little ray of sunshine" and "I love Grandmom." We also had framed a picture of the sonogram and wrote on it, "Hi Grandmom, See you February 2009, Love Baby Pedersen." We figured, with all of the details...they would get the hint. My sister, Connie, who has known since the beginning videotaped it, what a wonderful keepsake! My mother-in-law barely opened it up and got up, and hugged and kissed us...My mom and Nana had tears of happiness in their eyes. It was a wonderful moment :)

So just hope and pray for us that everything goes well. I will be updating the blog more often now! Sorry it took so long, but hey, didn't want to write anything too soon.

Oh and one more thing---there is only 1 in there! Just in case you were wondering, haha! Will update soon and thank you all for your good wishes and BABY dust! Thank you Crystal! Considering the day of my friend, Spina's engagement party was when I was rubbing bellies with my very pregnant friend Crystal, which just happens to be the day I got pregnant--the baby dust worked! YAYYYY :)


Oh and one more thing...I called my dad today, we haven't spoke in over a year. I felt I would be the bigger person and make the big step...I am so glad I did. The conversation went really well, we both know it is going to take some time, but are willing to start fresh. I want him to have that opportunity to be involved in Lil Pede's life! He is happy that he will be a Grandpop again! I'm telling you, I really believe things happen for a reason. It was a really good weekend overall. I couldn't be happier in this moment!

Good news!

OK, so I don't want to get myself too psyched, but we got really good news today from the ultrasound. The doctor sounded really positive that things could truly happen this month! Last month my egg follicles only got as big as 14 mm with the 50 mg of Clomid...this month, on the first ultrasound---18mm with the 100 mg of Clmoid!!! They really like them to be around 20mm, which he estimated I may be ovulating on SUNDAY---guess what WE will be doing this weekend? haha! So now, we have to continue with the every other day routine (hehe) and I go in for bloodwork on June 9th to check my progesterone levels! Please pray for us!

I just feel a lot better about hearing this news. We have already said that if it doesn't happen next month then we will choose to go through with an insemiation, which means I would still take the Clomid, they would have to order me a shot to take and then inseminate me...think that's how it goes, have to do a little more research. But I really feel good about this month--especially since the doc was so impressed :) Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that my insurance covers these procedures?

On another note, J and I have started playing tennis--it's a bit of a workout which is good for me and my situation---haven't played since i was like, 12, so you can imagine how good I am at swinging the racket and hitting the ball! But it is a nice stress reliever for the both of us going through this fertility issue :)

Thank you all who have been so supportive through all this, it is really nice to see how many of you truly care about us :) I am really trying to keep my cool, still break down every once in awhile, but as some of you know who have or are going through this, it is frustrating...And as much as i want to just relax, that is really a hard thing to do....I am just trying to have faith and hope that we will soon be parents!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us---thanks bunches!

Getting there...

An update...So today we went to the doc for the second ultrasound after taking the Clomid 50mg. On Tuesday the largest egg follicle was 9mm and now I have one that is at 14mm....The doc does not think that we will get pregnant this month, bummer! But we can continue to have "relations" as they like to call it, (haha) starting every other day next week---in hopes that there will finally be a mature egg that would like to get fertilized from a happy little swimmer---ahhh down to such a science! The doctor said that we will increase the Clomid next month, since my ovaries didn't respond well to 50mg. I think they will increase it one more time after the first increase and then we start talking insemination (IUI)....but HOPEFULLY we don't have to get to that point...Did i MENTION how thankful I am that my insurance covers all of this---AND for IVF if God forbid, we get that far...I pay a lot for my PPO--but dammit, its worth it :)

I have had many great suggestions and comments on my last blog (thank you to all who wrote in, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts). I think if it doesn't happen in the next month or so, we are just going to have to take a break and see if nature can takes its course without all the pressure. I know the body does some crazy things when under stress...My friend Heather says, we should just enjoy the baby dancing---great advice!

As for the exercise, I have walked 4 days this week (2 miles each time) and J and I plan to continue to do so when i get home from work each day. I have been watching what I eat a little more and have started taking the extra folic acid along side my prenatal pill. I know it is going to take work, but I am willing to do this in order to become a mother.

I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure about putting all of our business out there, but then I realized (from all the private messages and comments I received) that it can also help others---awareness is key! Sometimes there are people going through the same thing as I found out. Now I know I am doing the right thing. We are in this together.

Thanks again for reading and I hope the next blog update will be a SUPER positive one! :)

Trying to stay positive

Alright, so Jason and I went to the doc tonight for my ultrasound after taking the Clomid for 5 days (days 3-7 of my cycle). Maybe I shouldn't have gotten myself all psyched up like i did...The doctor found that my follicles are not as big as they would have liked them to be at this stage in the game(day 12 of the cycle). So.....i have to go in for another ultrasound on Saturday morning (yes, a doctors office that has SATURDAY appointments!) to see if they have gotten any bigger. He says they are like at 9 (cm? does that sound right?) and they need to be at like 14-20. So, needless to say i was pretty disappointed. When the doc and tech left the room, I fell apart. Jason was of course being encouraging hubby that he is saying all the right things, but it is hard for me to stay positive when i want a baby this bad. The doctor said that if this month it doesn't happen, they will have to increase the Clomid (took 50 mg) and since it tends to take me 60 days to get a period, they will give me Provera, do more blood testing and blah blah blah and then start the cycle of Clomid all over again when i begin my next cycle (i apologize for the run on sentence!) I am now realizing that it is going to be harder than I anticipated, thinking, oh well, i just take this little fertility drug and then boom, im pregnant---but then reality strikes. OK, I know i am being hard on myself and i have to stop, it's just sad for me. I know we have only been trying to get pregnant since January but now its just getting frustrating. I know they also say, when you aren't trying---that's when it happens! Well, how the hell do you pretend NOT to try?? So all who are reading this, please pray for large follicles on Saturday so we can get pregnant soon :) Looking forward to being a mommy---I feel like one already to my students, just look forward to having a child of our own! I see the twinkle in Jason's eyes when he sees a little one and I just can't wait to give him a family.

Oh and by the way, I started walking with my awesome neighbor, walked 2 miles last night and plan to do it again tomorrow. I am also eating a little better! Excited for the March for Babies walk on Sunday---5 miles, gotta get these ovaries in shape! ha! :) Just a bunch of randomness....

Does anyone have any success stories of people they know of who have been on Clomid? Please share!!! :) Thanks for reading!

Update

Alright...so the update on the baby situation. Well, after 63 days of waiting for the big P, i finally got it! I was getting kinda irritated with taking pregnancy tests and getting negative results, but I am glad i can start a new month with hopefully BETTER results! I started taking the Clomid today (supposed to take it days 3-7 of my cycle). I have to make an appt with the doc for an ultrasound on day 12 to check out the follicles. I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to take the Clomid because it can cause multiple births. Jason and I are cool with twins---but triplets might be a bit difficult. I have back issues so I don't even think my body could hold triplets---I guess we will see what happens and let nature take her course. No matter what, we will be happy with what God gives us!

Positive News :)

Well, today Jason & I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out whether I truly do have a diagnosis of PCOS. The doc sat down with us for a consultation to find out more about our medical histories and to explain (with diagrams) about fertility. I felt like i was in class again, which was fine in this instance.

I went in for the ultrasound and I was actually kind of excited, i guess this is because i have been so worried and this was going to let me know if i have the cysts on my ovaries or not. I hated not knowing what was going on in there. We found out that my right ovary has about 14-16 cysts (he was just estimating) and my left is fine. Everything else in my uterus is fine, yay! I have to start eating better and exercising to help get rid of those cysts to increase my chances of getting pregnant.

We went back in to talk to him after the ultrasound and he informed us that things are promising, especially with the one ovary being better than the other. I am going to get a host of prenatal testing done at Labcorp tomorrow along with more testing that he is ordering. I am already on day 47 of my cycle which is craziness but i average 50-70 days anyway. He gave me a script for Provera to bring on my period so i can get the ball rolling. The doc also gave me a script for CLomid which is a fertility drug and even though he wants to get the testing back before i try the Provera and the Clomid, i think we might hold off on the Clomid. I want to get pregnant, but we have not been "trying trying" for too long yet, so i dont want to order up twins yet, haha...even though its a big possibility in my family WITHOUT the fertility drugs. We will see...He said insemination may be a possibility if we have problems, but he does not think IVF will be necessary.

I am just relieved that i got answers today and that there is a good possibility that i could get pregnant sometime this year! I am going to work on eating better and start exercising, cant wait for the weather to get better to go on walks again. I will continue with the mega prenatal vitamin that i've been taking for months and i think i should start taking the folic acid supplement that i was prescribed. I want to do this right. I work with medically fragile children and i know there are things that cannot be controlled but i want to control the things that can.

It was kinda funny because when we came home from the appointment and a neighbor i dont know was walking her son (looked to be about 8 months or so). I said hello and as Jason and i were getting in the door, i started crying. I am just so happy that a baby can be possible for us, they were tears of relief. Plus, im a sap!

Since i have been off the Cymbalta about 2 1/2 weeks now, i have been more emotional. But i am also learning that it is ok. This is who i am, I am Cindy and i have been this way all my life. I can "feel" again and i feel really good about that.

So, things are looking up! Will keep things updated! Thanks for reading :)

o boy!! the thoughts....

I am usually a very open person but i guess i dont open up enough when it comes to writing and really getting my thoughts out...Although i have a few more progress notes to write, i really need to take this time right now to get my thoughts out, so please bear with me.

For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.

There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!





One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??

I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...

So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.

The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...

ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!