Cin's Spot

Labor/Birth Story 2.25.09

2009-04-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so Brayden is officially 8 weeks old and I have not even blogged about the story of this birth. He is napping now (yay for naps!) so I am going to try and type what I can, while I can.

On February 24th, Jason & I went to our appt with Dr. Cortese at 6:15PM. It was a funny appt to say the least, but I won't go there right now! The doctor checked me and I FINALLY made some progress, 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced! I had been 1 cm dilated and the cervix was thick since 36 weeks, so hearing this news at 40 weeks +2days past my due date was fabulous! We made another appt for a non-stress test but even the doctor did not think that I would make the next appt.

I called all of my side of the family just to let them know the progress. My lil sister Becky was so funny, we were communicating by text and she was all about calling everybody to tell them i am in labor---I was like, WAIT, I'm not in labor! I spoke to my brother Wayne around 11pm that night and mind you, i was having Braxton Hicks contractions, but really, I had been having them for days so I didn't think that it was a real big deal...Jason and I went to bed, I couldn't sleep, the contractions seemed to be coming pretty often but they weren't overly painful so I just tried to sleep through it...

Around 1:15am, I got up and went downstairs to watch TV, couldn't sleep, was sooooo damn uncomfortable! Headed to the bathroom (mind you I was downstairs and J was upstairs, sleeping). All hell broke loose in the bathroom! I got sick in the trashcan and then i felt this liquid coming out of me (wasn't pee!)...the next thing i know, I went into the most PAINFUL contraction! I was trying to YELL for Jason while at the same time gripping onto the sink just trying to get through the pain. Needless to say, i survived! I cleaned myself up and went upstairs to wake up Jason. I said to him, "We have to start timing these contractions." This was after telling him that i think my water broke and what hell i just experienced downstairs...He was like, "uh, shouldn't we just GO!!?"

After experiencing the false labor at 37 1/2 weeks, wasn't sure if it was the real deal or not, even though this was so much more painful! J called the doc and I was able to talk before I went into another contraction. Dr. White was on-call. She told us to head over to the hospital...Well, this was not my plan. I wanted to at least put my make-up on! Uh, no. I got as far as brushing my teeth, mind you, my contractions were 3 minutes apart (was supposed to call at 5 min apart, must've been 5 min apart hours before, oooops!). So then we are getting ready to head to the hospital and I feel the need to feed Bubba--hey, don't know when we would be back, a turtle has GOT to eat! I then found myself gripping onto the couch where more amniotic fluid decided to let loose!! OK, now we have GOTS TO GO!!!

It was after 2 am by this point and for there to be NO traffic in Marlton, it has to be 2 AM!! I think my contractions were getting closer together by this point. I was having visions of giving birth by the side of the road with J as my doc! YIKES! Love ya hunny, but i enjoyed that epidural WAYYYYY too much!

We got to the ER at Virtua in Voorhees and for some reason I thought i could just walk right in and into the L&D without help. I told J to park the car, I know, what was I thinking??? When I walked in, they asked me if I needed help and I said I was ok. As I walked through the doors I realized what a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNg hallway there was before i even REACHED the elevator to get to L&D! I then went into another contraction and was gripping onto the hand rails, J met up with me at that point, because I didn't get far. I don't even remember the ride in the elevator, such a blur, was in so much pain! When we got up there, I was contracting around every corner it seemed. I had to check in, thank God they got my paperwork that we mailed in, all they needed was my insurance card and I was free! The nurses gave me instructions on putting the belly band on and checking to make sure my fluid was clear when i undressed. Thank God, it was!

The nurses were great! I was BEGGING for an epidural at this time, my contractions were about 2 min apart and just so damn painful. After experiencing this, I don't know how anyone can go natural, but boy, do i give them props---NO THANK YOU!!! I just remember them sticking me and telling me what they were doing, but hell, i did not care at this point--GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL!!! They told me that i have to wait about 15 minutes so they could hydrate me with the IV. I was gripping onto the sides of the bed trying to breathe through the contractions while the nurses kept telling me to try and relax my body bc it will only make it worse. Jason kept telling me I was doing a good job and I could tell he felt pretty helpless seeing me in this much pain. The Anethesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions, told him that i have scoliosis and asked if that is going to be a problem. He said it might make it more difficult---GREAT, i am going to feel every rip and tear, (i was thinking!). I didn't even feel the pain of the epidural going in because my contractions were about every minute at this point, I was gripping onto the nurse's scrub jacket, she was so sweet!!!

We arrived at the hospital around 2:30am, got checked close to 4am and I was 4 cm dilated, got checked again at 6am---I was 10 cm dilated and ready to push! Started pushing around 6:25 or so with the help of a male nursing student (so so sweet!) and my wonderful husband and a nurse named, Linda. Brayden was born at 7:28am! 6 total hours from start of labor to birth--a dream of an experience! I would wish this on every woman and especially my sister-in-law who is due in a little over 2 weeks, yay!!

I could not feel ANYTHING with the epidural which was good and bad! They turned it off at one point to see if I could at least feel myself pushing (which by the way, he was out by the time it was wearing off). I requested to have the mirror (yikes, not a pretty sight, but it really helped me with the progress of pushing). It was kind of entertaining because I really couldn't feel my legs and at one point, the nurse had to walk away and get something, totally forgetting that I had NO control and my leg just rolled off the table for a sec! HA!

I needed supplemental oxygen because the baby did not like the position of me being on my back, but once I laid on my side to push, his heart rate would go back to normal. We really thought that I was going to have to deliver on my side by the way he was responding. Jason was too funny, between pushes, he was texting sending updates to family and friends. We wanted to video the birth but since he was "needed" to hold my leg, it was not possible. But at this point, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, he really helped bring his son into the world by helping me get through the birthing process! Pushing really wore me out, but I am thankful I only had to do it for an hour. I was so lucky to have a short labor for having my first baby!

There came a point when the nurse said, "OK, stop pushing, we have to page Dr. White." I saw her actually place two fingers on his head as if to stop him from coming out. WOW, he wanted OUT! When Dr. White came in, it was 3 pushes and Brayden came into the world. It was so surreal! Brayden was born at 7:28AM on February 25, 2009 (one day shy of my mother's birthday). Dr. White placed him on my chest and he was screaming. I was also hysterical! I started to talk to him and he opened his eyes,looked up at me and calmed down, such a miracle--he recognized my voice! I couldn't believe he was actually here, and...SO HUGE! I am glad I didn't feel his 8 pound body come out of me! Once he was out, I kept thinking, "ok, NOW what do we do??" It's funny how prepared you think you are and then it all goes out the window once the baby is here. Jason and I bonded with him after he was all cleaned up and I was able to start breastfeeding (as requested) within about a half hour or so... Wow, talk about painful. I can see why a lot of mother's give up so soon after the birth, but I really was determined to get through the pain and stick with it. It really does get easier with time (2 months later and still nursing-yay!).

We had some visitors (Mom Pedersen, Curt, Mom, Steve and Nana) and it was such a joy to share our son with them. When Nana was standing over me, I got emotional and said "I wish Dad was here to meet him" and she of course, felt the same way. I miss my Dad so much and find myself dreaming about him often. I know Brayden is safe with my Daddy as his guardian angel, he has done a wonderful job so far :)

With the family we were hanging out waiting to find out how much Brayden weighed (which was on a different floor). It seriously was about 2 hours before we found all this out! When they wheeled me in to the nursery, it still didn't seem real that I had just given birth to a very healthy baby boy, especially seeing a baby in there who was struggling a little bit. I felt so blessed. Brayden Joseph Pedersen weighed in at 8 pounds exactly and 20 1/4 inches long. Whew, glad I didn't go natural! I did have a 2nd degree tear which wasn't bad. Jason said it looked like the doctor was knitting a sweater by the way she was sewing me up (GREAT!!!) When they had to wheel us away so they could do all the testing and keep him under the warmer and such, I felt myself get a little emotional being pulled from him. But I knew I should try and catch up on some rest while I can. Well, that didn't happen. I think Jason and i had gotten about 2-3 hours sleep in 2 days, it was nuts. It was just the start of our sleep deprived life.

Our first night at the hospital was complete hell. Since I was determined to EXCLUSIVELY breast feed, we had the nurse bring the baby in for feedings and at one point we ended up having him rooming in with us for about 6-7 hours. It was a mess! Jason and I were already sleep deprived and it was hot as hell in the room. J couldn't get comfortable in the bed, so that kept me awake. Jason was changing all the diapers because I was in so much pain from the delivery that I had difficulty even getting out of bed to pee. The Percoset and Motrin helped a bit with the pain but it can only help for so long. We were both cranky, on top of the fact that Brayden was frustrated because all he was being fed was colostrum, so we were ALL cranky! I was so tired that at one point, i thought, "OMG, I don't know if I can be a mother, how the hell can i do this??" There came a point when I called the nurse and asked her to take Brayden to the nursery for the rest of the night, give him some formula to satisfy him (I cracked, I know, but I needed to keep my sanity!).I still felt so guilty, thinking to myself, "Geez, I can't even take care of my own son."

The next night was much better because we decided it was best to keep him in the nursery all night while we both got some sleep (I sent Jason home, haha!). I think that was the best thing we could have done for all involved. I have not gotten a straight 7 hours sleep since, ha! This is my advice to new mothers---Do NOT room in with your children on the first night, take advantage of the help while it's there!

We had an overall wonderful experience at Virtua! I was really happy with our doctor, anethesiologist ( a GOD!), my cool student nurse guy, lactation consultants, and nurses. There were a couple nurses that I really bonded with and dreaded when they were done their shift. It's amazing how your modesty really goes out the window after you have a baby. Not only while giving birth but with everything you need AFTERwards. I won't go into the details, unless you want them (hee hee) but WOW, no one prepared me for what comes afterwards!! It would have been nice to know what to expect.

We brought Brayden home on 2.27.09 and what a beautiful day it was! The sun was shining and it was in the 60's, a surprise for February! We had him dressed in his Flyer's outfit which was pretty big on him, but still looked cute. When we walked in the door to our house, it was like, "Ok, now what?" It was just the beginning of our many adventures we would experience as parents...the pee shooting everywhere, the projectile poo and spit-up and the sleepless nights. But overall, it has been wonderful. This blog is way too long to talk about our adventures in the last 8 weeks, so I will have to start another just so Brayden has some record of what his first weeks of life were like in the eyes of his parents. Thank you all for being there to read this and for all your support in the last 2 months. We are so grateful :)

2 days shy of 39 weeks!

2009-02-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

So a few weeks have passed since I last wrote. I figure since I am STILL pregnant, i better get to it before D-day officially arrives...Just some thoughts on how I am feeling now...Hmmm, anxious, nervous, excited, feeling as if there are things that still need to be "done," a bit frustrated due to the pain...ya know!

Each appt this month has been pretty much routine. However, last Thursday at 5am, I woke up in doubled over pain (lower abdomen). I hobbled to the bathroom, thinking I just waited to long to pee and the pain would not stop. I was also experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions at this time and they were constant! Once the tears started coming, I woke up Jason who sat right up in a panic! We decided it was best to call the doctor, especially since i had some diareah the night before (sorry, TMI). When the doctor called me back (Dr. Mackey--love her) she informed me that it sounds like I am in early labor but also told me it could be awhile. I thought, "OMG--this is IT!!" She told me to take a shower, eat and relax. OK...but early labor, doesn't that mean the real deal is near? When i got off the phone with her, I opened up my "What to Expect..." book and read that "early labor could last hours, days, or weeks." OH FABULOUS!!!! Meanwhile, Jason is running around packing a bag for himself---just in case...

SO...i showered and all that jazz and Jason got the video camera out and we did some taping, thinking that February 9th was going to be Brayden's possible birthday. Funny stuff!! Around 9AM, I called the doctor's office again because the contractions were still giving me issues and since at the time, I was not counting them correctly, I thought they were 2-3 minutes apart! OOPS! When i spoke to the nurse, she told me that she didn't think i was in labor because "I was still talking." Great! But they still wanted me to come in and check me out...I was convinced I was like 4-5 cm or even more dilated! HA! We had everything packed in the car IN CASE they sent us over to the hospital...We saw a nurse practitioner, Joan, who was very thorough. My bp when I first got there was a bit high, 134/90 but it was because I was in the middle of a contraction. She listened to our concerns and then checked me...I was still 1 cm dilated!!! AHHH!! I wanted to cry, are you kidding me? So, she told me that I may be a bit dehydrated,to drink a lot of water. We went home, i rested, drank water all day, and felt like crap. BUT the contractions died out...I even felt better enough at the end of the day to go out to dinner with Jason (just in case we didn't make Valentine's Day). We had an AWESOME meal at Bonefish Grill (highly recommend the place!!!).

Since then, I have been trying every which way to get him out! You name it--Mexican food, sex and walking! I am taking more suggestions!!!

At my 38 week appt this past week, I totally lost it! I told Barbara, "I just want him out" as I bawled! My bp was 128/90, but prob elevated due to my anxiety. She explained that everything I am experiencing at this time is normal...I told her how I am experiencing the pelvic/rectal pressure, no sleep and of course, the anxiety! Yup--normal! I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful husband because he has been my rock. I am so thankful to have married the right man! Thank you, baby, for everything! I cannot wait to see him hold our little miracle that we created!

Since Tuesday, my mood has been better, I think i got it all out, for now! ha! Now, I have just been doing last minute things like finishing up the nursery (little odds and ends), I successfully put together the swing today (yay me!), made a pregnancy scrapbook that I am super proud of, put my baby shower pics in an album, wrote in Brayden's baby book, wrote out the Thank you notes from my baby shower, have been cleaning and doing laundry and the list goes on! Jason has done an awesome job of putting things together for baby, as well(yay for the Pack & Play!). He put the car seat base in my Santa fe, so we drive around with the car seat already in the car, practicing :) And all of our stuff is in the vehicle---ready to go!!

I am a bit nervous about the whole labor process and delivering the little guy (or big boy!). But I know that all the pain will be worth it in the end, we cannot wait! I see the anticipation in Jason's eyes when we talk about the upcoming arrival! He is going to be such a wonderful father! I just wish my dad was here...But he has been a wonderful guardian angel so far, Brayden is a lucky little boy! Miss you daddy!

Think that is about all for now...don't know how long Brayden will be hanging out in the womb, but I have given up on thinking each day is THE day! He will come when he comes, I just cannot wait till the day arrives, whether it is in 9 days---OR LESS :)

36 weeks!!!

2009-01-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

hello all!
just an update! Went to the 36 week appt tonight and Dr. Colella was our doc, we really like him! He checked me and I am about 1 cm dilated! Exciting and sad at the same time...was pulling for 2! But hey, I still technically have 3 1/2 weeks left till my due date (Feb 22nd). My bp was 120/80, belly measured 36 cm, and I have officially gained 30 pounds!!!!

My shower was on January 10th and was wonderful! The weather was crappy so I unfort didn't have my stepmom and sisters there, but I know they were there in spirit. I would rather them be here when Brayden arrives into the world more than anything!! We got A LOT of stuff which i have been slowly but surely putting things away, washing up the clothes and blankets and such. I have been "pseudo" nesting, but haven't been in full blown nesting mode yet, so apparently the end is not too close (from what i read, haha).

My maternity leave officially began yesterday. In a weird way, i miss work, i know, what the hell is wrong with me? But its the people I work with and the kids that i miss! Although, I have been still doing some work at home to email to my bosses for the teacher who is taking over for me. I like to have all my strings tied!!!

Jason has been nothing short of wonderful through all of this. I think he is starting to get a little anxious, but we both are...I mean, we have no idea when I am going to go into labor, so its totally understandable! We just want to be as prepared as possible. He is going to put together the pack and play, already have the stroller put together, and tomorrow---gotta put the base in my Santa Fe for the infant car seat! I want to finish packing my bag (as much as possible anyway) tomorrow and get some other things done in the nursery....Did we mention that we bought a glider with two arm rests?? Yea, so I am in touch with the woman from Buy Buy Baby about that. She is really nice and is in touch with her vendor to get us our LEFT arm rest! ha! crazy things!!!

Other than all this, I have been sleeping like crap, think I have to start sleeping in the lazyboy! My back is killing me---i get sharp pains in my sciatica and also on the right side of my back periodically. The ligament pain still sucks and the pressure in my pelvis is just fabulous!!! He hasn't dropped yet at this point so I still have breathing issues...

The cutest thing that has happened in the past couple of weeks is when the little guy gets the hiccups...they are actually practice breaths! I felt so bad that he was getting them till i read up on it. It is actually a normal process, phew!!! It's also so amazing when he kicks and moves around anymore---there isn't much room in this womb of mine so you see body parts go by...craziness!! But, I have to remember that these are the moments that I will miss. I know I want this pregnancy to be over with all the uncomfort, but i also realize that moments like this are very precious!!

Think that is about it....will update more as things happen!

7 weeks or less!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-03T14:42:00.001-08:00

On Sunday, I will be at the 33 week mark---things are really starting to fly now which is freaking us both out a bit, i think!! We have a lot done but i keep thinking about all the OTHER stuff that still needs to be done. The nursery is getting there...we have the furniture, just waiting on the hutch. Today, we are going to hang his letters on the wall and a few other things. I already washed up all his clothes and put them away. I haven't had my shower yet but i have an inkling feeling it is going to happen soon :) We are still looking for a glider, so if anyone has some advice on a good one, PLEASE let me know...am trying to get a glider and an ottoman in the $300 range or so.

We had our 32 week appt on Tuesday with Dr. Colella. Since I know he delivered Holly's baby and my friend Amy had a good relationship with him, I really wanted to try him out. We really liked him, Jason just thought he was a little jokey and wondered if that would drive me crazy when i am in labor. Input anyone? So far our favorites have been Dr. Mackey, Dr. Dombo and Dr. Colella.

Stats: my bp was 108/64...weight is still good, gained a total of 24lbs so far. Hoping to max at 30, keeping my fingers crossed, we will see!! The doc felt the little guy's positioning and he is still head down. I have been feeling him poking his feet on the left side of my ribs lately, a little bugger! He is still really active, especially at night before bed, he lets me know when im hungry and of course when eating.

We went to a baby basics class on 12/6 which was informative and i think we are going to go with the pediatrician who did the talk :) On 12/13---we had the hospital tour which was eye opening! WOW---to think I will be giving birth soon---it just blows my mind...Also that day we had the 3D ultrasound, which was AMAZING!!! Brayden totally has mommy's lips and daddy's nose---so cute! He was very cooperative and kept his hands away from his face so we could see him. The funniest part was our first image of him---he had his hand down by his boys!! Hey, boys will be boys! For Christmas, we had a friend of ours make copies of the Dvd's so we can give them to our parents/grandparents. They were all truly surprised and happy to see the little guy again :)

How have I been feeling?? That seems to be a common question I hear all the time...I am slowing down a bit but trying to work through it bc there is so much to do. Last night, NYE, we were supposed to go over our neighbors house to hang with them. Unfort, we never made it there, i felt crappy, run-down and sleepy. I pretty much was falling asleep on the couch at 9pm off and on, i know, REAL sad!!! My hubby was a trooper and I gave him that opportunity to still go over there, i felt really bad to hold him up if he wanted to hang---but he was I think just as tired. We headed to bed around 10:30 and slept almost 12 hours---trying to get that sleep now!!!

I had to take my rings off last week, starting to get sausage fingers! My feet are usually a bit puffy by the end of the night but not overly swollen. OH! And i failed my 1 hour glucose test at the 28 week appt so i had to take the dreaded 3 hour test...I was REALLY hoping to pass as the holidays are not so fun without an ounce of sugar!!! I only failed the one hour by a small margin, my sugar was 133 and the cut-off was 129 .Thankfully i passed the 3 hour "with flying colors" as the doc described it :) I am still trying to watch some of the foods i am eating, like, i am not eating a bagel a day like i was---opps!

WOW, it's really been awhile since i last updated things...Oh, this Saturday, a friend from high school, Heather is coming over to take belly pics of me. She has her own photography business---you should check out her website!

http://henibiphotography.com/

I think that is about all for now! Jason and I are looking forward to meeting this guy in less than 2 months! I will continue to post belly pics as we take them :)

Hope everyone has a Happy and Healthy 2009 :)

Baby update

2008-11-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

Hello all!
Hope you all got out to vote today---a very important election!

I had my 24 week appt tonight and all is still going well, which is good to know!
My BP was 106/72....weight (im not shy) is 140! I have to admit, i have never seen 140 in my life but i am totally fine with it at this present time...This puts me at a weight gain of 14 lbs (started at 126). I am right on target :) Also! My belly grew 5 cm since my last appt a month ago---we are up to 25 cm, which is muy fabuloso!!!! I just can't believe how big my belly is getting and just how much MORE it needs to grow....still steering clear of the stretch marks, but have a feeling they will be making their mark (no pun intended) at some point!!!

The little guy has been moving around A LOT! His heartbeat was swishing away tonight--music to our ears!! He seems to love when i eat---we already have a lot in common---love food, haha!!

Unfortunately, I have been on a HUGE chocolate kick...trying to stear clear, but hell, Halloween was just last week!!! The doc is really happy with my weight, but warns that I still need to be careful of gestational diabetes (I think i am at a higher risk since I have PCOS). Although I was already tested once, I get tested again at my next appt at 28 weeks....keep your fingers crossed we are in the clear!!!! Until then, I promised little Brayden I would watch my chocolate intake (sniff--sniff).

I made sure to mention to Dr. Dombo tonight that we will be flying this THursday to go to California for my sisters wedding. Thank God the cut-off for flying isn't until 36 weeks! Cannot wait to see my sister, Danielle get married this weekend to the love of her life!!! So happy for both her and Dan (aka MFDC).

As for other things going on in my life, it has still been hard missing my dad. I know it is going to take time for all of us. It's almost been 6 weeks and I still find it hard to believe that he is gone...I am dreaming about him constantly. At times, I fall apart to Jason. I think about today, Election day...He wanted so badly to "walk in and vote." It was another one of his short-term goals he set for himself. I just feel bad that he was not able to do that...anyway, I know this kind of stuff takes time, I just have to let it take its course...I just feel lucky knowing that my dad is watching down on us and our little one to make it through the next 15 weeks or so!

AHhhh...15 weeks?? so much to do!!! We are going with the chocolate brown and blue theme in the nursery and have already registered at babies r us...Jason and i have looked at one crib set and are going to check out another store next week...I have been reading up on ratings of cribs and such...there is just SOO SOO SOO much to think about and BUY!!! I know i am being TOTALLY random but i have about 5,000,000 things on my mind right now!!!

ok...off to do more packing for Cali!
Stay tuned!

Dear Daddy...a farewell

2008-10-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Daddy...

In writing my dad's eulogy, there was so much to write, yet i kept losing my focus, this is everything I came up with in my mixed up brain the night before the viewing. There was just so much more to say, but I guess there is always more to say...

Dad's Eulogy

By: Cindy Pedersen
9.27.08

Where to begin? Dad was not the cuddly dad that I once wished him to be. But there comes a time when you have to just accept people for who they are. The months following his diagnosis, Dad really became in touch with his emotions, he really let us all in in a way that he never had before. I am thankful that we were able to see that side of him. He was always a bit of a tough guy, but I knew deep inside there was something more. During a conversation in August he said to me, " I love you and I have always loved you, I want you to know that." Those words were so genuinely put that it made a lasting impression on my heart knowing that this "tough guy" was really opening up to me.

Some of his famous quotes I remember…As a kid I always remember him saying, "Ya done good" when praising for a job well done…During our birthdays, the question was always, "So, how does it feel to be…?" You could always count him asking you the SAME question year after year.

I was always the emotional child. I would cry at the drop of a hat, not much has changed. When going to see Beauty & the Beast in the movie theater, I cried when the beast died. Dad was sitting next to me and took my hand and told me, "It's going to be ok." I keep trying to tell myself that now, that we are going to be ok. I know Dad is and always will be watching over us. Every phone call I had with him in the past 2 months involved, "How's the baby? How's mama? I am going to try and make it to February, but if I don't, know that I will be watching over that baby." No one knew for sure if dad would make it to February, but I am confident that everything will be ok with dad as our guardian angel.

Dad taught me many things starting from age 2 ½ years old when I learned to shoot a gun, with assistance of course. I learned to ski, fish, play mini golf, which to this day I have fierce battles with my husband. But of all the things dad has taught me, the most valuable is to take care of your family. When sitting down with all of us after he found out he was sick, he emphasized how important it was to him that we all stick together as a family. I want all of the family to look around today and make a promise to themselves that we will all stick together as a family.

I spent most of dad's last week with him. It meant so much to be there. He was surrounded by his wife, mother, children and our significant others and his grandchildren. Last Wednesday was when dad requested his kids and ma to come up. I was so afraid we wouldn't get there in time. He was able to say his goodbyes, which was a very emotional time for all of us. Vikki told him that he took care of everything for us and that we are going to be ok, that it was time for him to let go. But he couldn't. He went in his own time. I think I speak for my whole family when I say that we are saddened to see him go, but thankful that he is no longer suffering in pain. We made a promise to dad; we are sticking together as a family no matter what.
I love you daddy. You will be missed. <3

Bittersweet moments

2008-08-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

Good news and bad news....

The good news is all is going well with the pregnancy for the most part! I am 14 weeks +2 days and really starting to pop! Went for my appt the other day and found out i actually LOST 5 lbs---funny, i thought i gained it! Dr. Cortese said not to worry, have plenty of months to gain the weight! yay! The heartbeat was very strong, heard it on the Doppler. Will be getting an ultrasound at 20 weeks--cannot wait--hoping baby will cooperate so we can find out the sex! I predict boy, Jason says girl! I have been having some breathing problems with my asthma, been to the allergist and he told me I wasn't breathing at full capacity (that explains why i run out of breath from the car to the house!). I am at 80% and should be at 90-100%---does he mean my pulse ox??? So despite my "i am not taking ANY drugs during this pregnancy thing"--well that went out the window, on Pulmicort at night, dammit! But like the doc says, if I am not breathing, baby is not breathing...other than that, all day nausea stopped around 8 1/2 weeks--but i still bring up a meal every once in awhile---the gagging takes over and there is no stopping it! yuk! I am still a little tired--when is that energy supposed to kick in??

On another note, the bad note...my dad was just recently diagnosed with Lung cancer. The prognosis is not good, at first they were giving him 6mo-1 year with treatment and now in a month's time, he has gone downhill. We reconciled last month after not speaking for a year and I am so thankful for that. My family and I are really devastated over this news. He could have weeks to maybe months left and it is just a lot to take in. My Nana is devastated, my dad is her only son and she feels that she is just living too long. I am just asking for prayers from all of you!
I was up to visit with him yesterday and also got to spend some quality time with my sisters which was great. When sitting with my dad, he held my hand and said, "Take really good care of that baby....I love you, I have always loved you, I just want you to know that." It was all I needed to hear, although we had some differences, I never stopped loving him either. My dad was never one to talk about emotions or even show emotion, now at this stage in his life, he is very emotional and telling us all he wants us to know, which I am so thankful for. I am also thankful he had so many kids so we can all be there for one another through this time. My dad's birthday is Sept 18th--really hoping he can make his birthday so we can all spend that quality time with him. He said he is really going to try.

Just asking for prayers for our family! Cancer is such a shitty disease, as many of you know who have lost close family member and friends...why is it taking so long to find a cure?

GUESS WHAT??

2008-07-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

You got it! I am pregnant!!!! I had to wait to break the news to all of you since I didn't want my family finding out from a blog! So....things are going really well and I felt it was time to really put it out there. Although i am not yet out of the 1st trimester, I feel really positive for the way things have been going....

I will be 7 weeks on Monday, July 7th!!! So from the calculation that I did online, it looks like my due date is on or around February 22, 2009...but will find out at my appointment on Monday!!! Jason and I have had a whirlwind of a month! 4 days after we believe we conceived (think it was June 1st to all those who want to know, haha!), I was already having signs....and then that weekend we went to the outlets with my mother-in-law and I had a bout of nausea and almost got sick at the table...I was like, "I have GOT to be pregnant, this is just not normal." But then again...it was hot that weekend....

I went for bloodwork to test my progesterone levels on June 9th...my levels were 28 which they told me was really good to hold a baby, but still was too early to let them know whether I was pregnant....the crazy waiting game begins!!! However, I continued to have signs; peeing all the time, nausea, constantly hungry, this constant pool of saliva in my mouth and of course the dreaded boob hurt--which has never gone away! So...we remained positive and I took a pregnancy test which was negative, but I had a feeling that it was too soon for it to pick up the pregnancy hormone....Then on Friday the 13th---we had a faded line!!! I took another one on Saturday and it was still faded, but looked pretty positive to me!!! My sister Danielle INSISTED we get a digital test.We took this test on Father's Day and it read "PREGNANT." It was Jason's first "almost" Father's Day, which brought a lot of joy in more than one way. At that moment, it just didn't seem real. Even though Jason and I thought I was, until you get that definitive answer...its just an amazing feeling to know it all worked!!! Since before even finding out, I have been eating much better getting all those fruits and veggies and taking my vitamins religiously!!

I got a blood test the next day to confirm and the results were of course positive! They informed me that they wanted me to come in for bloodwork every 3-4 days to monitor my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) to make sure all is going well :) So, this meant that we needed to find a Labcorp out in Arizona to get bloodwork! It all worked out--my results while we were away went from 285 (4 wks) to 2,024 and then doubled to 5, 138 three days later (this was in the 5th week)...The nurses were really happy and told me I had graduated from bloodwork and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.

We went in for the ultrasound this past Monday at 6 weeks exactly. It was amazing to say the least. We saw the little sac and actually saw the flutter!!! It brought tears to my eyes! We tried to hear the heartbeat but it was too early to hear anything...Just to see the little one flutter, made me feel so much better! It all became more real for Jason and I that we are going to be parents!!! We cannot wait to actually hear that heartbeat on Monday night!!! :)

So....I have to admit, I am still pretty worried for everything to go alright, but I know I have to remain positive. It's just that everything seems like its going so right at the moment, I just hope nothing happens to destroy that. The doctor sounded really positive though and said its great to even see the flutter at 6 weeks and the fact that my bloodwork is good--they were happy AND SO ARE WE!

Yesterday, the 4th of July, we told part of our family! Jason and I couldn't wait to tell everyone but wanted to make sure things were going well before we made that step.We presented my mom & stepdad, his mom, and my Nana with a present...inside we had onsies that read things like, "Nana's little ray of sunshine" and "I love Grandmom." We also had framed a picture of the sonogram and wrote on it, "Hi Grandmom, See you February 2009, Love Baby Pedersen." We figured, with all of the details...they would get the hint. My sister, Connie, who has known since the beginning videotaped it, what a wonderful keepsake! My mother-in-law barely opened it up and got up, and hugged and kissed us...My mom and Nana had tears of happiness in their eyes. It was a wonderful moment :)

So just hope and pray for us that everything goes well. I will be updating the blog more often now! Sorry it took so long, but hey, didn't want to write anything too soon.

Oh and one more thing---there is only 1 in there! Just in case you were wondering, haha! Will update soon and thank you all for your good wishes and BABY dust! Thank you Crystal! Considering the day of my friend, Spina's engagement party was when I was rubbing bellies with my very pregnant friend Crystal, which just happens to be the day I got pregnant--the baby dust worked! YAYYYY :)

Oh and one more thing...I called my dad today, we haven't spoke in over a year. I felt I would be the bigger person and make the big step...I am so glad I did. The conversation went really well, we both know it is going to take some time, but are willing to start fresh. I want him to have that opportunity to be involved in Lil Pede's life! He is happy that he will be a Grandpop again! I'm telling you, I really believe things happen for a reason. It was a really good weekend overall. I couldn't be happier in this moment!

Good news!

2008-05-29T16:46:00.001-07:00

OK, so I don't want to get myself too psyched, but we got really good news today from the ultrasound. The doctor sounded really positive that things could truly happen this month! Last month my egg follicles only got as big as 14 mm with the 50 mg of Clomid...this month, on the first ultrasound---18mm with the 100 mg of Clmoid!!! They really like them to be around 20mm, which he estimated I may be ovulating on SUNDAY---guess what WE will be doing this weekend? haha! So now, we have to continue with the every other day routine (hehe) and I go in for bloodwork on June 9th to check my progesterone levels! Please pray for us!

I just feel a lot better about hearing this news. We have already said that if it doesn't happen next month then we will choose to go through with an insemiation, which means I would still take the Clomid, they would have to order me a shot to take and then inseminate me...think that's how it goes, have to do a little more research. But I really feel good about this month--especially since the doc was so impressed :) Have I mentioned how much I LOVE that my insurance covers these procedures?

On another note, J and I have started playing tennis--it's a bit of a workout which is good for me and my situation---haven't played since i was like, 12, so you can imagine how good I am at swinging the racket and hitting the ball! But it is a nice stress reliever for the both of us going through this fertility issue :)

Thank you all who have been so supportive through all this, it is really nice to see how many of you truly care about us :) I am really trying to keep my cool, still break down every once in awhile, but as some of you know who have or are going through this, it is frustrating...And as much as i want to just relax, that is really a hard thing to do....I am just trying to have faith and hope that we will soon be parents!!! Keep your fingers and toes crossed for us---thanks bunches!

Getting there...

2008-04-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

An update...So today we went to the doc for the second ultrasound after taking the Clomid 50mg. On Tuesday the largest egg follicle was 9mm and now I have one that is at 14mm....The doc does not think that we will get pregnant this month, bummer! But we can continue to have "relations" as they like to call it, (haha) starting every other day next week---in hopes that there will finally be a mature egg that would like to get fertilized from a happy little swimmer---ahhh down to such a science! The doctor said that we will increase the Clomid next month, since my ovaries didn't respond well to 50mg. I think they will increase it one more time after the first increase and then we start talking insemination (IUI)....but HOPEFULLY we don't have to get to that point...Did i MENTION how thankful I am that my insurance covers all of this---AND for IVF if God forbid, we get that far...I pay a lot for my PPO--but dammit, its worth it :)

I have had many great suggestions and comments on my last blog (thank you to all who wrote in, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts). I think if it doesn't happen in the next month or so, we are just going to have to take a break and see if nature can takes its course without all the pressure. I know the body does some crazy things when under stress...My friend Heather says, we should just enjoy the baby dancing---great advice!

As for the exercise, I have walked 4 days this week (2 miles each time) and J and I plan to continue to do so when i get home from work each day. I have been watching what I eat a little more and have started taking the extra folic acid along side my prenatal pill. I know it is going to take work, but I am willing to do this in order to become a mother.

I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure about putting all of our business out there, but then I realized (from all the private messages and comments I received) that it can also help others---awareness is key! Sometimes there are people going through the same thing as I found out. Now I know I am doing the right thing. We are in this together.

Thanks again for reading and I hope the next blog update will be a SUPER positive one! :)

Trying to stay positive

2008-04-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Alright, so Jason and I went to the doc tonight for my ultrasound after taking the Clomid for 5 days (days 3-7 of my cycle). Maybe I shouldn't have gotten myself all psyched up like i did...The doctor found that my follicles are not as big as they would have liked them to be at this stage in the game(day 12 of the cycle). So.....i have to go in for another ultrasound on Saturday morning (yes, a doctors office that has SATURDAY appointments!) to see if they have gotten any bigger. He says they are like at 9 (cm? does that sound right?) and they need to be at like 14-20. So, needless to say i was pretty disappointed. When the doc and tech left the room, I fell apart. Jason was of course being encouraging hubby that he is saying all the right things, but it is hard for me to stay positive when i want a baby this bad. The doctor said that if this month it doesn't happen, they will have to increase the Clomid (took 50 mg) and since it tends to take me 60 days to get a period, they will give me Provera, do more blood testing and blah blah blah and then start the cycle of Clomid all over again when i begin my next cycle (i apologize for the run on sentence!) I am now realizing that it is going to be harder than I anticipated, thinking, oh well, i just take this little fertility drug and then boom, im pregnant---but then reality strikes. OK, I know i am being hard on myself and i have to stop, it's just sad for me. I know we have only been trying to get pregnant since January but now its just getting frustrating. I know they also say, when you aren't trying---that's when it happens! Well, how the hell do you pretend NOT to try?? So all who are reading this, please pray for large follicles on Saturday so we can get pregnant soon :) Looking forward to being a mommy---I feel like one already to my students, just look forward to having a child of our own! I see the twinkle in Jason's eyes when he sees a little one and I just can't wait to give him a family.

Oh and by the way, I started walking with my awesome neighbor, walked 2 miles last night and plan to do it again tomorrow. I am also eating a little better! Excited for the March for Babies walk on Sunday---5 miles, gotta get these ovaries in shape! ha! :) Just a bunch of randomness....

Does anyone have any success stories of people they know of who have been on Clomid? Please share!!! :) Thanks for reading!

Update

2008-04-13T13:35:00.001-07:00

Alright...so the update on the baby situation. Well, after 63 days of waiting for the big P, i finally got it! I was getting kinda irritated with taking pregnancy tests and getting negative results, but I am glad i can start a new month with hopefully BETTER results! I started taking the Clomid today (supposed to take it days 3-7 of my cycle). I have to make an appt with the doc for an ultrasound on day 12 to check out the follicles. I have to admit, I was a little hesitant to take the Clomid because it can cause multiple births. Jason and I are cool with twins---but triplets might be a bit difficult. I have back issues so I don't even think my body could hold triplets---I guess we will see what happens and let nature take her course. No matter what, we will be happy with what God gives us!

Positive News :)

2008-03-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well, today Jason & I went to the Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out whether I truly do have a diagnosis of PCOS. The doc sat down with us for a consultation to find out more about our medical histories and to explain (with diagrams) about fertility. I felt like i was in class again, which was fine in this instance.

I went in for the ultrasound and I was actually kind of excited, i guess this is because i have been so worried and this was going to let me know if i have the cysts on my ovaries or not. I hated not knowing what was going on in there. We found out that my right ovary has about 14-16 cysts (he was just estimating) and my left is fine. Everything else in my uterus is fine, yay! I have to start eating better and exercising to help get rid of those cysts to increase my chances of getting pregnant.

We went back in to talk to him after the ultrasound and he informed us that things are promising, especially with the one ovary being better than the other. I am going to get a host of prenatal testing done at Labcorp tomorrow along with more testing that he is ordering. I am already on day 47 of my cycle which is craziness but i average 50-70 days anyway. He gave me a script for Provera to bring on my period so i can get the ball rolling. The doc also gave me a script for CLomid which is a fertility drug and even though he wants to get the testing back before i try the Provera and the Clomid, i think we might hold off on the Clomid. I want to get pregnant, but we have not been "trying trying" for too long yet, so i dont want to order up twins yet, haha...even though its a big possibility in my family WITHOUT the fertility drugs. We will see...He said insemination may be a possibility if we have problems, but he does not think IVF will be necessary.

I am just relieved that i got answers today and that there is a good possibility that i could get pregnant sometime this year! I am going to work on eating better and start exercising, cant wait for the weather to get better to go on walks again. I will continue with the mega prenatal vitamin that i've been taking for months and i think i should start taking the folic acid supplement that i was prescribed. I want to do this right. I work with medically fragile children and i know there are things that cannot be controlled but i want to control the things that can.

It was kinda funny because when we came home from the appointment and a neighbor i dont know was walking her son (looked to be about 8 months or so). I said hello and as Jason and i were getting in the door, i started crying. I am just so happy that a baby can be possible for us, they were tears of relief. Plus, im a sap!

Since i have been off the Cymbalta about 2 1/2 weeks now, i have been more emotional. But i am also learning that it is ok. This is who i am, I am Cindy and i have been this way all my life. I can "feel" again and i feel really good about that.

So, things are looking up! Will keep things updated! Thanks for reading :)

o boy!! the thoughts....

2008-03-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

I am usually a very open person but i guess i dont open up enough when it comes to writing and really getting my thoughts out...Although i have a few more progress notes to write, i really need to take this time right now to get my thoughts out, so please bear with me.

For the past 3 1/2 years I was on meds for depression/anxiety. Today, i am day 5 of being off Cymbalta completely, wheeewww! Although i am proud of myself for making such a big step, i am also frustrated with the withdrawal symptoms--you would think i was coming off of heroin!!! Im experiencing these weird "brain zaps" as they are sometimes called, chills--but im not cold, hot flashes through out the day, some nausea, cant fall asleep at night for the life of me and today i realized how emotional i have once again become....But then again, all my life, that was a part of who i was...or am.

There is this video that i think many of you should watch, it really brings things in to perspective. It is about a professor who has pancreatic cancer and now has months to live. This man is super inspiring on how he looks at life, it really made me think, even about something that happened to me today....take 10 minutes and watch it...its worth it!

One definite thing i have gathered from this man, Randy Pausch, is when he talks about the little things, things that some people thing of as bigger things...like for today for example, i had a situation where my student’s urine bag come loose on my shoes( if you understood where i worked, you would understand HOW this could happen)...ok, my Uggs...some people thought "OMG they are your Uggs! Aren’t you pissed?" No, im ok, bc if they were that over the top important to me (over the comfort of my feet), then i would not have worn them to work. I just joke that my student peed on my Uggs’, kinda funny, sorta....But this is what i am talking about...my boots are just things, they are not what REALLY matters in the scheme of things. Yes, i like nice things, i love my Coach bags and such, but yet i look for bargains when it comes to clothes shopping, go figure!!! Am i making sense??

I just try to keep an open mind about things anymore. Sure we all want the finer things in life, but sometimes we need to work for them....then there are other times after all that working, it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, then what are you left with? Disappointment...

So I am getting off topic...3 1/2 years ago my life was a lot different than it is now. I was depressed...spending money i didnt have because i thought it would bring me happiness...all it brought me was a lot of credit card debt! I was in a relationship with someone who i thought made me happy, but in reality i was trying my best to make the relationship work becuase so many of them failed before. I wanted to be married, happy with a house and kids, but at 24, i had a boyfriend who was an illegal immigrant (yes, England does count, haha) who could barely support himself, let alone me. I had a lot of health problems and was constantly seeking out doctors to find out what was wrong with me. I now believe that mos of my health problems were a result of my body’s stress. Stress is afterall, a killer. I was seeing a therapist at the time who felt i needed out of this relationship and needed time on my own. I also had many other unresolved issues, one of which still remains unresolved which makes me really sad.

The main issue i speak of has to do with my father. I feel like i have been to hell and back, but i still love him. I have spent most of my life trying to have a good relationship with my dad. I never knew him as well as my older brother and sister because he left when i was a year old. He remained in my life throughout, but there were always kinks. Now we haven’t spoken in a year because of something he did not agree with having to do with my wedding. Even though i wish things could have been different, I think they happened the way they were supposed to happen. I was the happiest i have ever been in my life on that day. Hey, i wanted him and my stepdad to walk me down the aisle, its not a uncommon request these days. And it is not like i asked just my stepdad to walk me down...but instead he chose to not come at all. Anyway, no sense dwelling on the details, what happened happened and i cant take it back...I just wish my family was back together. I still have a feeling that my sisters blame me for what happened, but believe me, it absolutely killed me not to have them there. I love my little sisters with all my heart and i miss them so much. I dont think they can yet understand the situation, maybe they will when they are older. I didnt do what i did to go out of my way to hurt anyone, hurting people (if you know me) is not how i roll....But i feel like i tried all i can do...I tried last May to talk to my dad at my brother’s wedding, he turned around at me and said "What do you want?" I just told him, "I just wanted to let you know that i love you." He said he loved me too. Then i tried to talk to him and expressed how much i miss the girls and i have no idea what else i said...well needless to say, he ended up walking away from me again. I dont know if he is looking for an apology?? But why? I didnt do anything wrong. My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 1/2 years old and has raised me. I dont know, maybe its just jealously...

ok, now i am rambling....There are many things that are going on in my life right now. First of all, I am happy in my marriage of almost 1 year! We have a house that we absolutely love and enjoy! And soon, we hope to soon (hopefully) have a little bundle of joy! I think that is another reason why all this is bothering me, i want my dad and family to be a part of the child’s life...but i guess it is up to him to be the bigger person to make that step to try and work things out. I tried and was shunned....I dont think there is anything else i can do. I am big on sticking up for myself and others and refuse to be shit on, but where do i go from here?? Any suggestions??? Once again, i was leary of putting this out there, but i needed to get it off my chest, at least my profile is private!....Oh and if you get a chance, please watch the video!!!!!
Thanks for reading...Would appreciate advice!!!

Realizations

2008-02-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

It has been an interesting weekend to say the least, and a lot of realizations. Jason and i went over to visit Michelle(cousin) & Todd and their 2 week old bundle of joy, Jordan Taylor on Saturday afternoon. She is an absolute joy! I think i held her for at least an hour. My motherly instinct started shinning through again! Also, putting her into Jason's arms was a bit touching to me, i mean, looking at him holding the baby and seeing the way he looked at her was just...uh, i can barely put it into words! We had a lot of fun just hanging out with them and talking about all things "baby." Jason might not want to admit it at first, but i think he really enjoyed the baby talks too!

After we FINALLY said our goodbyes, had a hard time leaving her, i can only imagine what it would be like as the parent and do that, we headed back to Marlton to get ready to go out for my friend's birthday dinner/going out night in Philly. During the car ride, all i could think about was how i felt holding Jordan and how much i look forward to being a mom. I am almost 28, so i am really starting to get the itch, no matter how "young" people tell me i am. I am also cognisant of the fact that we may have problems conceiving due to my PCOS issue. So....fast forward about 6 hours....

After going to dinner at El Azteca in Philly, we headed to a bar called Lucy's Hat Shop...we got there and i instantly didn't want to be there. It is funny because years ago i would have blamed this on my anxiety...but i knew just what it was. I wanted to be home, on my couch, cuddled up with a blanket watching TV....I hate to say this because i really did want to enjoy the night with drinks and friends. I have now come to the realization that i no longer like bars. Have i grown up? Am i an old married woman? i dont know, im just over it. I have plenty of friends who are older than me and single and are still enjoying the scene, but i think i have just gotten very comfortable in the lifestyle i have now and i no longer feel comfortable in that element.

This leads to my other realization of why i feel more ready to become a parent. I had one drink at the bar and ended up drinking water the rest of the night, i don't even like the taste of alcohol anymore...wow, guess i really am growing up! I thought back to our earlier hours with little Jordan and thought how much nicer it would be to be home with a precious little miracle rather than getting drinks spilled on me by some drunk....It was nice to see that my husband also feels the same way in a lot of respects...as long as he can have his LAZYboy, haha!!!

Also, good news, im down to 30 mg of Cymbalta, day 4 went well!!! Maybe this will be easier coming off the meds this time around! My doctor would like to keep me on the 30 mg for the month and then he told me i should be able to stop after that...we will see! Jason thinks i am the same person i was when i was on both the 60mg of Cymbalta and the Tripletal. I also have not really felt a change, not having any weird side effects yet. My life has changed so dramatically from what it was 4 years ago, so maybe this is showing me that i really don't need to be on the meds, i can handle my life as-is, this is what i have wanted for a long time now. I have a goal, to get off these meds, and overall be healthier so i can hopefully have a healthy baby!

MORE GOOD NEWS!!!! I have been in school forever and i finally got my confirmation this week that i am DONE!! After a year and a half of being a permanent sub at my school (even though i was teaching for 3 years prior to that), I got both certs in special ed and elementary ed K-5. I am now officially a teacher again!!! The only thing i have to do now is get mentored for 30 weeks from a colleague and i will finally have my standard certification in teaching. It has been a long road with the state and i am just thankful that i persevered and stuck by it. I thank my family, but Nana and my husband most of all for sticking by me with all of this. There was a time when i was about to give up and look for other careers, but their encouragement helped me through!!! It may have taken almost 10 years, but i am done! yay!!!

So....realizations, had a few this weekend!
#1 Do not like bars
#2 Cannot wait to be a mommy!!!
#3 How important it is to spend quality time with my husband! Love this man!!!!

PS/oh and one more...i cant get pregnant too soon, bc my sister is getting married in November and I don't think they allow women in their 9th month of pregnancy to fly...nor would that be wise!!!

to be continued.....

comments/advice are much appreciated :)

Oh where to start......

2008-01-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! Its been well over 7 months since my last blog. Its funny how fast time goes by..last blog i was 5 weeks from getting married with all the nerves of the wedding and all the crappy details involving my dad. Here we are all these months later, married and still not talking to my dad. But i have to really not look at it like that. I think something really significant will have to happen in order for him to see the light, but after he blew me off at Wayne's wedding when I tried to talk to him, i have decided, i am DONE!!!

On another note, I am really loving married life, i know they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...who said that? i guess maybe this was before people starting living with each other before marriage? Some things have changed but we have adapted really well (merging of money)--thought it would be harder than it was. We bought a house and moved in in October and absolutely LOVE IT! I really think we made a great decision in getting this particular house, large kitchen, awesome backyard...we have done a lot of work on it in the 3 months we've been here, think we need to rest a little bit financially and do some saving now!!!!

i am just rambling, i understand that...i think thats all i really need to do right now is ramble...its been so long since i got my feelings out on paper, or whatever the computer is considered...ok, im tired, but i will continue and get to the root of why i started writing...

In a couple of weeks, i will be going to see my Psychiatrist to see about getting off my antidepressant Cymbalta. Ive been on it for 3 years or so and since sometime in the near future, we would like to have a baby, i think now is a good time to wean myself. I am already off the Trileptal (usually taken by people who have a seizure disorder, but i was prescribed it as a mood stabilizer). I think maybe it truly did help keep me even keeled. Since my early twenties i have struggled with bouts of depression, whether or not it stems from my environment at the time or the battles i have struggled with in my life, who knows. All i know is that i am a little nervous to come off the Cymbalta. It has been a life saver for me. At one point in my life i was suicidal, i tried Lexapro, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and have been on anti-anxiety meds; Serax and most recently Ativan...Until i got on the Cymbalta, did my depression symptoms really improve...When i came off of the Lexapro, i had some bad withdrawal effects, but since i pretty much weaned myself without a doctor's care (DONT EVER DO THIS!!) i found myself wanting to kill myself again!...My life has changed so significantly in the past 3 years, i have met the love of my life, i know, cliche', but true---and it has really showed me that life can really be great! Which is why i think now is a good time to wean...we will see, i will try and keep this blog updated on my effects, hopefully i will be ok, but the boards are FILLED with awful withdrawal symptoms, but once again, i cannot compare my life with others, everyone is different... we will see :)

The baby topic...I want to be a mother in the worst way! In holding friends' babies, i feel that motherly instinct take over. It just feels so right. I am little worried because i have high testosterone levels which causes me not to ovulate every month (im averaging 45-50 days) which is not as bad as it could be! I know i need to get started exercising and eating better. Jason and i have started to eat better meals, but the weekends, that goes to shit, owell, gotta start somewhere, right? But i started taking Pre-natal vitamins a couple months ago and i think that helps a little bit with the energy. Which by the way, i dont have too much of that lately, been falling asleep on the couch a lot and sleeping for HOURS!! Then i think, o shit, am i depressed? im such a worrywart! Was supposed to go out with friends tonight but wasnt feeling it, just wanted to relax. I guess i dont do that often, but then again, i dont go out often either...i am such a Cancer---a homebody!! Anyway, the baby deal...i have hope that maybe if we don't concentrate on it too too much, maybe it will happen without getting stressed out about it. Whats meant to be will be...i just hope we dont have to go as far as fertility treatments and the whole nine...I want so badly to have children and to have Jason as their Daddy is a dream! Will keep the blog updated....

well, just had to get a few things out...maybe my next one will be a bit more structured...feel like i am all over the place!!!

nite nite for now :)

Cindy :)

2007-05-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

5 weeks away!!!

2007-05-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

The wedding is 5 weeks away, cannot believe its almost here! We have about 90 people coming so far, they still have 2 weeks to respond before we have to start calling....Wayne's wedding is in one week! Hope it doesnt rain. Im a little nervous for the wedding, its going to be the first time ive seen my dad since Christmas, not that i am going to speak to him anyway...im a little concerned as to why our table has to be next to his, im just uncomfortable with the whole situation since the confrontation with Vikki at Liza's shower...she makes me sick, literally and figuratively. I wish i could rid myself of people that are so toxic, but its hard when i have lil sisters that i love dearly, are involved...who knows, in the end, i may lose them too. I dont know what the hell is going to happen in all of this. Wayne tried talking to my dad about the whole situation and he said that he just cant do it, meaning walking me down the aisle...which also probably means attending the wedding...we havent gotten their response card back and frankly, its pissing me off. If you are not fucking coming, send it back with your damn NO!

I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?

Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.

I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!

Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)

clouded

2007-03-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

I cant really think...supposed to write a paper for tomorrow nights class...but im clouded by so many thoughts...i just want to sleep and wake up to the smell of the fresh spring air. Think i am going to write the prof and tell her my paper will be late, dont usually like to do that...but i need to for my sanity...Jason had flowers sent to the apt yesterday for me, it was very sweet. He sent them for a "pick me up"....dont know how i am going to go about this whole "cutting my dad out of my life" thing. I was never one to give up on family, but hey, they gave up on me. I am tired of being shit on....a person can only take so much before they snap. Im tired of being that person who is always so forgiving....im going to bed soon....just wanted to type a blurb....guess i should write the prof before bed.,....uhhhhh so much to fucking do....

The family whirlwind

2007-03-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Im getting married in 3 months YIPPEEE!! This is a very exciting time for me, a time that a few years ago i never thought would be possible. But then i met the love of my life and all the good is coming true....However, in the life of me, its not possible to have too much of a good thing...there is always SOMETHING that is going to damper some things....

To make a long story short, my parents separated when i was a year old. My father married twice afterwards and has now 15 year old twin daughters, who i love so much. I have never had a really close relationship with my dad, i would see him every three weeks for a weekend and for more time in the summer. Yet, growing up, i looked up to him and felt that i was truly "daddy's little girl" because i was afterall, the youngest of my older sister and brother. He was stern and not very affectionate, the total opposite of what i was used to with my mother. I can honestly say, unlike my brother and sister who lived with my dad for 10 and 12 years of their life, i never really knew him. As a result, i dont feel a complete connection with him. Yet, all my life i have always wanted to please him. In the end, i dont think i have ever really achieved that and at this point in my life, i am giving up. I realize now that i need to be happy and my happiness is not going to be dependent upon his acceptance of something. What am i getting at?

My stepdad has been in my life since i was 2 years old. My mom married him when i was 5. We had some trials and tribulations throughout my teenage years but i think this is normal for most parents. I dont agree with some ways that he did things, but i do see why he were so strict with other things. I didnt feel as though i could go to my mom or steve with a problem because they were so conservative when it came to a lot of things, so instead, i just rebelled. I would often throw the whole, "You are not my father" shpeel on Steve. But then again, he truly was being a father, i just didnt see it.

Fast Forward.....

My wedding day is in 3 months. Almost 4 weeks ago, i called my dad.I wanted to update him on all the things going on in my life including the wedding details. I knew there was going to be a problem with what i was going to bring up, so i was nervous...then bit the bullet and said it. "Im going to have you and Steve walk me down the aisle."
Dad: what?
me: (i repeated myself)
Dad: whatever
me: is there a problem?
Dad: what do you think?
me: i just think its fair because Steve has been in my life since i was 2, and you are my dad.
Dad: You be as fair as you want. BYE BYE (he hangs up on me)

WhaT THE HELL?? I thought MAYBE just maybe my dad would grow up and realize that this is not HIS wedding, that it would be an HONOR for him to walk me down the aisle, even if it is with another man. Another man that helped raise me and never beat me. I guess he cant see it that way, instead he has to make this all about him, typical. I was extremely upset that night....

so then today happened...my future sister-in-law's bridal shower...I was nervous for this day because i knew i would have to see my stepmom and little sisters. I didnt know where anyone was standing but i knew it was going to be tense. It was...Vikki barely talked and didnt acknowledge me. I knew my nana was picking up on everything too. The shower however was really nice! They got a lot of great things, looking forward to my shower! But anyway...then came the end of the shower when Vikki decided she needed to throw me a comment! She says to me "Cindy, good luck with your wedding, since i dont think we will be going" My response to that was, "Oh, i guess dad hasn't grown up yet?" So then she proceeds to tell me that i went about the whole thing wrong. uh, excuse me, who hung up on who?? hmmmm....And she must think that this is a ploy for me to get BACK at my dad for leaving because she said something along the lines of "there's this thing called forgiveness." ok.....i then repeated what i told my dad about how steve has been there for me since i was 2 and that i think that it is fair. I dont know what else i said, but i had to walk away...she then said something along the lines of me breaking up the family. I said back to her, "ive done nothing wrong." I truly believe this....My Nana saw all this happen and that is something that kills me.

I began to get really upset and i approached Wayne's partner, Michelle who was standing with a few other women. Here we are at the end of the shower, and i am having an anxiety attack! I started crying and then hyperventilating...Michelle moved out a chair for me to sit on and a glass of water to drink. Liza came over to me and i truly loved her then. I had some animosity with the whole "them getting married before us when we got engaged first thing" but i have let that go and have for awhile now. Everyone was trying to tell me, "this is your wedding, you do what you want to do" and i was in such a crazy state of mind that i couldnt really process everything. I was numb and shaky and still hyperventilating....who the hell does she think she is to start something at Liza's shower?? Did she REALLY think that i was going to keep my mouth shut??

My brother and i had a great conversation about the whole thing, he tried to calm me down a bit and did a good job. He told me that he is going to talk to dad for me to see where he gets. At this point, i dont know what i want. the way i feel about him at this point? i would rather him not be there by the way he has behaved....But we will see. I am so thankful for my brother, we have had some issues in the past, but i really do love him and am glad that we still have a close relationship.

OK, so i dont know if my dad is coming, but what breaks me up most about this WHOLE ordeal is that i dont want to lose my little sisters in this. I love them so much and i know they want to be a part of the wedding as we intended them to be. Time will tell at this point....i refuse to backdown on my decision, even though my stepdad told me he wouldnt be offended if to save face i decided to have only my dad walk me down the aisle....I said "NO, this is what i want, its my wedding." Plus, if he gets his way, i will not be the happy one in the end and the bride has to be happy on her special day, right???

So the saga of the family whirlwind continues....as if the wedding hasnt been stressful enough! I am just happy that in 3 months, Jason and i will be pronounced husband and wife and really in the end, it is all that is going to matter....if only i can stop being such an emotional person!!! Until then, i will continue taking my ativan to keep me sane.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH