Friday, May 18, 2007
5 weeks away!!!
The wedding is 5 weeks away, cannot believe its almost here! We have about 90 people coming so far, they still have 2 weeks to respond before we have to start calling....Wayne's wedding is in one week! Hope it doesnt rain. Im a little nervous for the wedding, its going to be the first time ive seen my dad since Christmas, not that i am going to speak to him anyway...im a little concerned as to why our table has to be next to his, im just uncomfortable with the whole situation since the confrontation with Vikki at Liza's shower...she makes me sick, literally and figuratively. I wish i could rid myself of people that are so toxic, but its hard when i have lil sisters that i love dearly, are involved...who knows, in the end, i may lose them too. I dont know what the hell is going to happen in all of this. Wayne tried talking to my dad about the whole situation and he said that he just cant do it, meaning walking me down the aisle...which also probably means attending the wedding...we havent gotten their response card back and frankly, its pissing me off. If you are not fucking coming, send it back with your damn NO!
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
I dont know, this has been quite a year, sometimes i wonder if its something i did, or how i am, maybe i have too many anger isssues that need to be resolved...first the thing with my brother getting married before us, i flipped out. My friend (or ex-friend) Christine backed out 6 months before the wedding, i flipped out. THe situation with my dad went to hell, i have been juggling with how i am going to handle things...Then the other night, my so called friend Erin asked to bring a date to the wedding, uh, hello, first of all, would you actually ASK to do that if the person wasnt even given an option on the wedding invite TO bring a guest??? idk, i guess some people do...anyway, i explained the situation that we are paying for the wedding ourselves, for the most part and cant afford more than what we planned for...she is now not coming BECAUSE he cannot come...guess i have been finding out who my TRUE friends are through this whole wedding stuff.I explained the sitation to Bear and he understood, and guess what? he is still coming...Where was i going with this??? o yeah, am i bringing on drama? what the hell is going on?
Last week, i dreamt about my dad, like ALLLL week. not nightmares, good dreams. which is weird bc i cant think really good thoughts about him right now. I am still very upset about the situation. I wish i didnt love him as much as i do, but i cant help it. ONe of my dreams included me killing people and him being proud of my good target skills, crazy!!! another one was about me getting a phone call from him and he was apologizing to me...yea, think i will hold my breath on that one....i know i shouldnt live my life waiting for him to "love me." In a way, i know he loves me, and in a way, i know he doesnt know how to show it...i guess what i want is what i already have, before my eyes, its my stepdad. I dont feel like i have given him all the credit that he deserves. We have had our times throughout the years, but i am happy that he has been there for me as much as he has.
I think in time, i will eventually be able to let go, not without more therapy though...afterall, i will be a married woman in 5 weeks! I will have my own family to start, and i will make sure that our children are given the love and respect that they deserve. I am marrying a wonderful man, he is everything that i have ever wanted and more. i feel so lucky and cant wait to marry him!!
Ok, i know im random...i just had to get some shit off my chest, not sure if i make sense...but hell, its my blog, dammit! :)
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